Posts Tagged ‘Sun Run InTraining’

Early morning, it’s bright and sunny.  A perfect morning for a run. Today isn’t just any run and it’s not one that I really wished to miss.  The reason is it was the Vancouver Sun Run and this year is my 8th in a row running it.  I’d love to make it 10 in a row if I could.  Next year will fully depend on my clinical schedule though as I’ll be in my preceptorship at that time.

This year was particularly significant as I didn’t know if I’d make it.  Having mono this spring has really thrown me for a loop.  I started running with one of my running partners (we’ve done a number of half marathons together), and after 3 km she went on without me.  She was doing great feeling strong and fast.  I wasn’t. I couldn’t run right through — as I have always done in past races.  But I kept going, and managed to finish. It wasn’t my personal worst, but it was no where near my personal best.

I’m thankful I finished because this race holds great personal significance — it was the birth of my running, and a lifestyle that’s very different than what it was.  It’s a symbol of personal changes — in terms of what I’m capable of, and who I am at the core of my ‘self’.  And for that reason I realize that even if my partner had stayed with me through the race, I still would have had to fight the fight alone to finish the race.

Now I have to recover, recover the rest of the way from mono and decide: Do I have it in me to train and run my annual half marathon in 6 weeks???


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Today was a long, busy, people-filled day.  It’s a day of craziness, insanity and people.  Today was the 25th anniversary of the Vancouver Sun Run.    This is my seventh time running it — in a row.  It was a lot of fun to be out there with the gang, working hard towards our goals. But I realized that I really haven’t been doing much to build my training, it’s been maintenance more or less — perhaps less given I’ve been sick for so often this winter.

But it also means that I have realized that I need to focus on me.  I need to focus on building my fitness. I don’t know how to adjust my finances to afford it, but I really need to afford what I need to do. This means I need to reduce my spending as much as possible. I really need to take time to figure out how to do this. Because when I am fit, I am confident. When I am confident I am happier. When I am happier I am more at peace with my day to day life even with the stresses.

So tomorrow, I will be figuring this all out.

After the run we all had our annual post-race lunch. At the lunch I was chatting with a friend, and the topic of relationships, playing “the game”, flirting and showing all this to someone. This brings up my usual rant about this city. I’m too tired to get into the rant right now, but suffice it to say, I don’t want to have to chase a guy. I don’t want to have to pursue a guy and ‘convince’ him that he should date me. If a guy is interested in me, I’d like him to show it.  I will certainly respond if a guy flirts (and I’m interested), but I don’t want to have to chase.  So being told that I need to chase, be the one to walk up to the guy in the bar, ask the guy out.  No thanks. As I mentioned when ranting about this a few months ago:

But I am worthwhile to be pursued. If you’re attracted to me, checking me out as I dance, you can get off your ass and walk up to me as I sit there alone listening to the band. Because you are not going to get anywhere if you don’t. I am beautiful, a good dancer and worthwhile enough to be shown that I am valued enough to make the effort — rather than forcing me to make the move just to meet a good looking guy in this bloody city.

Bah. I wanted to deck my friend. This is why, I’m going to do what I need to do right now, and as soon as that’s over I’m going to get out of this city. I hope. Because really, I’ve spent time in other cities, countries and guess what? It’s Vancouver. Grumble.

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I awoke this morning, little sleep after a fun blues party. I didn’t know what to expect, didn’t know if I’d have fun.   But I did. Fun dances, people acting well.  I ended up staying later than I thought, and had more fun than I thought I would.  I got home, crashed and woke up much sooner than I’d’ve liked and went running with my training clinic today. I didn’ t have the strength to run with my usual ‘run faster’ group, still coughing too much — but it was nice. The run was at a nice gentle pace for me, so it wasn’t challenging and it felt nice and easy. A great way to get back into it after the stress and illness of the last few weeks. At the end of the run we went for coffee as always, and I played with a friend’s iPhone. I definitely want one. At some point.

One of the things I realized this morning is that my decision about my life direction is becoming more clear. I still haven’t come to a firm spot but logically things all point to one particular direction shift. And what makes me realize that this is the case, is that I have become more comfortable talking about it with others. More as a reality than a vague option. That’s usuallly a clear sign for me that things are becoming firm enough in my mind that it’s time to make concrete plans and start sorting out finances and such.

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I’ve spent this weekend making sure I’m pretending H.D. doesn’t exist. I’ve had amazing times at the dances, the mask was easy, because I am so abhorrent of H.D.’s lies, gossip, the things he’s thought and said about me. It makes it easy for me to not care how much he does the pouting, the puppydog moping look.  That it’s been 2 weeks and he hasn’t had the guts to at least approach me.  I realize that I’ve been a bit well B@$#%@# towards him, but you know what? I don’t care because he disgusts me. He walked into the dance Friday night, while I was working the door and said to me very quietly and contritely “Hi, how’s it going?”. I calmly looked him in the eye, used my professional “dealing with customers” voice, and responded with “That will be $8, please”. He knew exactly that I was pissed. He got all confused and uncertain “Uhhh… I need to borrow $1.25, uh, I’ll be right back” — you see, normally I’d be the one to lend him the money. I waited, he paid, I ignored him all night. He even followed me around — intentionally dancing near me (not always controllable, but some of it was intentional) — following me around, trying to stand in my only pathway to my bag forcing me to acknowledge him (a friend who knows the score distracted him so that I could slip past).  He even followed us to the door, I didn’t acknowledge him.

Tonight at the dance, I was ready to say to him what needs to be said — that I’ve heard the gossip and lies and horrible things he’s said about me, from multiple people. I want to tell him that he needs to seek professional counselling from some sort of licensed psychotherapist that isn’t his best friend (who can’t be objective). That I don’t want him to talk to me until he can come to me and outline all the ways he’s screwed up with this over the last months — from the first moment he moved things from Friends to ‘Other’ (because, frankly, if he truly wasn’t interested he never should have made a move in the first place — not with me or anyone he’s been close friends with for years), and talk about what he’s doing to learn how to be a real man. I want to say to him that unless I know that he’s gone and done some serious counselling I do not want to speak with him. At all.

So back to tonight’s dance. I planned to keep my distance, I didn’t want to make it easy for him to find me. I didn’t want to ‘invite’ him to come up to me.  But I was ready, so there were a few times when I looked directly at him, half caught his eye, and almost ‘dared’ him to come up.  As I was leaving I was talking with a friend of mine “A” (who’s good friends with him), and with another friend “B” who I was driving home  home. H.D. came up to us, I kept up the light banter I had going with my friends. We were ready to go, so I gave “A” a hug good-bye. “B” gave H.D. a hug, then I turned around, he looked at me tried to say goodbye and half waved. I will admit that I was a B!#@$@ and looked him in the eye, didn’t respond and walked away.  But after being treated like dirt or trash, I have no qualms about throwing up walls.

And you know what, I’m still smiling. Because he’s crazy, the lies he’s said about me are untrue and those he’s told know the truth.  And you know what, I feel free. I’m excited about next weekend, I’m happy to finally have some semblance of control over things, and I’m so disgusted with him that I’m 100% emotionally available — though I’ll readily admit to being very bruised.

Friday night there were two songs played that struck me and spoke to where I was at:

Janiva Magness — You Were Never Mine

I saw someone again today who remembered me and you
They asked all the same old questions, I gave the same excuse
They said, “What a shame, what a shame, to lose a love so fine”

But I never lost you, I never lost you
I never lost you, you were never mine

I kept on believing what I wanted to believe
The unspoken promises that you could never keep
But it’s a sin, oh, it’s a sin to tell yourself a lie

I never lost you, I never lost you
I never lost you, you were never mine

Did you give me all that you gave me just because I needed you
But when I needed, all your love completely was it more than you could do

Sometimes deep in the night when I hold you in my dreams
I get lost in your loving touch, baby, I can’t believe how real it seems
And I know, yes I know, I’ll have you till the end of time

‘Cause I never lost you, I never really lost you
I never lost you ’cause you were never mine
I never lost you, I never really lost you
How could I lose you, you were never mine

Because really, I was used and played, and he was never mine. So I will move on and find a guy who will treat me well.

The second song from Friday night is by my favourite artist: Ruthie Foster, Walk On (I can’t find a video for that at the moment). Because I just need to keep on walking ’till I find my way. She’s worth googling.  This is one of my (MANY) favourites, not the one from the dance but it’s still relevant…

Today I had my running clinic — so I can feel my voice being a bit raw — and I’m tired. Yowza this is intense — I was behind in my training because of my injury. It was great to hang with my friends and I’m happy I have this community. I’d miss it if I left.  Then I went with a girlfriend to look at rings, and I FOUND ONE. more than a year after my break in (that’s covered in my old blog, which I haven’t yet moved to this blog). I can hardly wait until it’s ready. 3 weeks. Since the ring is being made, I don’t have a specific photo, yet, but I will be getting one. This is quite similar in style to the one I’m getting  (though there are minor details different):

A style quite similar to the diamond ring Ive ordered.

A style quite similar to the diamond ring I've ordered.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m ready to move on. Though I may have one more conversation relating to H.D. before I will be released from this frustration (because I don’t think I’ll ever have one with H.D. because he’s not man enough to bring it up and I’m going to take Mel’s advice and not go there). So it’s time to sleep, dream of sparkling, plan my to do list for tomorrow and get ready for next week’s fun and delight.

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From being injured and barely doing anything to “full on”.  Today was the start of the Vancouver Sun Run InTraining Clinic and, like last year, I’m helping with the Run 10k Faster group. This is a jump for me, being injured for so long it’s like going from zero — or almost — to sixty in nothing flat. But I made it. The group has some new people, some returning, and everyone did a great job.  I made it too, which I’m happy about. Of course, I went home and napped for about 3 hours afterwards. But I felt great, and it’s nice that I’ve still got it — even if it’s more than perhaps I’d do if I were building my running back up on my own.

This also reminds me of an area of my life that I love. I love my communities. They are amazing, supportive, friendly, and I love my life. I may be missing something significant, but I love it here. I have what I want, and I don’t want to build a new life. But how can I not? I’m not getting what really matters? I’ve got a project that I’m doing to help deal with my headspace, and as a statement of ‘faith’ — that in general (NOT specifically related to H.D.) I’m not going to stay in this crappy place — and I’m looking at it right now and I don’t have much faith that I’ll ever leave this muddle of a place in my life.  But I need to go forward and process. Prepare for headspace distractions and look forward to new and good things.

All I can say is that running definitely helps this feeling of being miserable — I feel more myself again. Even if I’m not yet feeling as strong as I would normally like to be.  So all and all, this life I’m in is very weird, and I know this flux can’t last.

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