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Posts Tagged ‘showboat’

Today at work was certainly better than yesterday and after work I headed to the salon and got my hair cut — it feels fantastic to have crisp healthy hair. I felt very pretty and confident after the appointment. I realize my hair will look better and be healthier if I didn’t wait a year between hair cuts!

After the appointment I met up with a girl friend and we chatted about guys and life etc and dancing was a blast.  So why am I feeling blah? I know I’m tired. I know I’m stressed about finances, the future, plans and goals — how to get there without being swallowed up in the stress of debt and changes. But I was having a great time dancing, and I know that the future and those stresses are coming and it will work out — So why as the night ended did I fade into the ‘blah’s’?

I know it’s partly because I’m weary and feeling lonely. I realize there’s nothing I can do about that, but it makes me wonder, yet again, why I attract and am attracted to ‘unattainable’ guys? If it’s not a guy who takes me onto an emotional rollercoaster, it’s a guy who gives off the impression that he’s been hurt badly and wont step up, or it’s a wonderful guy who lives far away.  None of them in a position to step up and be ‘my boyfriend’. That’s quite frustrating and it, and things people have said in recent weeks make the situations I’ve been in, especially ’emotional rollercoaster guy’, somehow less valid. This brings up a tangent — does having a label really mean anything? Yes, specifically defining eachother as ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ clearly defines responsibility and a level of commitment.  But does it really mean anything? The guy who is far away has treated me with a great deal more consideration and respect than ‘rollercoaster guy’ ever did. Rollercoaster guy will never be a friend again — dance acquaintance, yes, but not my friend. ‘Distance guy’ will remain a friend, even if we don’t get the chance to explore dating beyond the casual thing that it is.

To me, if there is, or is the possibility of, a breakup, then for me it’s just as valid as labels, and being treated with respect is just as important!

Anyhow, I guess that is it, I’m a bit lonely. The nice thing is, I’m thought of, treated with consideration, and missed. Plus, unless I have the worst luck, I’ll get to see ‘distance guy’ AKA ‘distraction’ in two weeks. That will be great. Time to think positively and look forward to good changes in the future.

But for now, I’m going to sleep. That will do wonders to improve my blah and grumpy mood.

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Freedom

Tonight was the first Showboat of the season. I didn’t know how it would go. But I had a great night. The lost friend was there, and it was the first time I saw him since he betrayed me and proved that he doesn’t truely value me (when my grandma died).

I didn’t know how it was going to go. But I was professional, did not show anything that was personal or emotional. I was also pretty happy.  He was hovering and quiet, came up when I was talking to some friends. Later he asked me to dance, asked me how I was (My answer: Great, thanks), and what was new. I said ‘everything and nothing’. So he asked what the ‘everything’ part was.  I made the decision back as I was dealing with my grandma’s death, that my friendship is availble to others, but not him. As I said then “I’ve lost nothing, but I’ve gained the truth; he’s lost my friendship”.  We danced twice, and that was fine. No conversation beyond that first one — wait, I did ask for more dance venue plan information — but otherwise we didn’t chat.

The other thing I realized is that I have freedom. In the past, seeing the lost friend chatting on and doing his passive aggressive hit on on a ‘his type’ girl, I’d feel hurt. He did that tonight, I did catch the view of it. And my response? Right through to my core it was ‘MEH’. I couldn’t find it in me to care, in the least. So yes, tonight was a night with good dances, and a realization that I have found freedom.

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So I worked late today. As of yesterday I’ve switched to 8am – 4pm and it’s wonderful! But, today 4pm rolled around and there was no one in our department. So I stayed around.

I was after 8 hours so I figured that I was just there to deal with anything if needed, so I pretty much just surfed the ‘net. And of course at 4:50pm, a rep comes by to ask a question.  Then at 5pm someone calls in. Fortunately their question means I have to talk to the scientist — who had already left for the day, so I didn’t have to stay beyond 5pm, but still. Late.  That’s okay, I didn’t mind it. Had I checked and considered, I could have figured out that this would happen and I could have started at 9 instead today. Oh well.

I was pretty tired when I got home so I napped. Woke up late and chatted with one of my girlfriends. It was getting late-ish so I had to choose: Showboat or Running. I came up with a compromise. Run to showboat. Was not the easiest run with a backpack on, and it was a short one, but it was better than nothing.

At the dance it was amusing to see one of my friends KA. She had on a bikini top under her sundress. And one of the leads somehow managed to untie the back of the top, while dancing.  And her sundress started to slip. I didn’t know whether to congratulate the lead on his talent or shake my finger at him. I danced a couple of dances but didn’t really have it in me.

I went up to the top to watch a little bit. Peppered all over the area where all the groups were hanging out, there were individual guys — each surrounded by at least 3 women. It just made me sigh.  So many people are looking for the same thing and so many of the guys seem to just enjoy the attention but are without any intent (though I haven’t asked every guy, perhaps this is an unfair blanket statement). I look at the situation and can’t help but think, no wonder I just stay in my oblivious self-protective shell, refusing to jump into the mix and ‘compete’. There are so many women all looking for the same thing and sometimes I wonder if they (at times, we???) are looking in the wrong place.

The girlfriend I was chatting with earlier tonight dances. Sort of. I say sort of not because she’s not good — she’s a fabulous dancer and easily a favourite of many of my dance friends. But in the last 7 months or so she’s gotten involved with this great guy. She’s fallen deeply in love. I think her exact words were “He’s the love of my life”.  This guy isn’t a dancer, so she has to make the choice — time with her guy and her friends or time dancing.

Needless to say dancing loses and it’s a choice she’s happy and even very willing to make. She comes out occasionally, and he even comes with her occasionally (that impresses me!).    I too would choose to spend time with a guy who is the love of my life. Easily.

So I look at the guys and can’t help but think “WAKE UP” there are many amazing women in the dance scene and the guys would be lucky to connect with any one of them.  There’s several who have commented that they wont date in the dance scene – perhaps they’re afraid of ‘dividing a small scene’ if a break up happens, perhaps they’re afraid of ‘the fishbowl’, perhaps it’s a fear that if something goes wrong in a couple they could end up leaving dancing. Perhaps it’s something else. I don’t know. All I know is that so many of these women would make the same choice as my friend. I’d make the same choice as my friend. In a heartbeat.

I’m not even sure what my point is. Perhaps how futile it all seems, how regardless of what I may or may not feel and think, I refuse to jump into the mix because I don’t want to be just another one of the crowd.  How sad it is that so many people seem to be looking for the same thing yet aren’t finding it.  No clue. It just struck a chord in me.

So with that melancholic pondering running through my mind, I decided to leave. I slept wrong last night and my neck’s been a bit stiff anyways. So it all felt a bit ‘off’ tonight. I stopped at Safeway (and mental note: next time, IGA is also open late… I picked the grocery store farthest from my house and had to haul groceries home by walking. Not the brightest idea…), grabbed some groceries. As I was entering into the parking lot of Safeway I looked down the street and out in her yard was a woman who goes to my church.  I don’t talk much about church, and haven’t seen anyone from church in a while. She didn’t see me. She’s very wise, and very trustworthy. Had she seen me I probably would have poured all this — and all that I’m not saying in this public pondering post out to her. But she didn’t see me. I didn’t go up to her.

I was craving ice cream. I miss my Jules and our gelato tradition. I kept myself from buying ice cream at the grocery store as that’d be too much. But I decided if I still craved it I could grab one from McDonald’s (the only thing with ice cream open right by my house – sadly enough).  I did. I had a Rolo McFlurry. I asked the sales girl to add chocolate to it too. She did but apparently they don’t use real rolo piece. It was this horrible fake chocolate stuff, with no caramel in the middle. Not real Rolo Chocolate. And since she added chocolate she didn’t add the caramel. And she was being very kind and added extra chocolate syrup for me. So it made it too runny.

All in all a disappointing ice cream. Next time: I’m just going to get a twist cone. If they still exist.

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