Posts Tagged ‘career’

I woke up this morning at 5:30am.  The volume on my clock radio was so low it was almost off, but it was loud enough that it registered with me when it turned on and I immediately started thinking again about much of what’s been on my mind this past week.  I slowly got up and got ready to go to the cabin. On my way there, after dealing with the non-contact lens errand (see my earlier post for that story) I made my way to the border where I got stuck in a 2.5 hour long line up. The message board was wrong – there’s a board on Highway 99 that gives the expected border wait times, and it was listed as less than an hour but that was way off.

Needless to say, I was grumpy and hungry and tired.  But I made it to the cabin eventually. I was so tired that I was ready for bed by 5pm. Fortunately being at the cabin means I can relax and do very little, so I had a bath and then dinner. This evening I’m just relaxing and thinking. Processing what’s gone on this last little while. Things are shifting in my life.  I wanted to write ‘I could be wrong…’ but in reality I know that I’m right.  Friendships are shifting and regardless of what directions they each shift I know that they will never be the way they were and, I can also safely say, they wont be as they are right this moment.

I see shifts in several areas of my life. Some things are not directly related to me and others are more personal.  I’ve mentioned several times recently that I find the unknown challenging.  I’ve often said in the past that I don’t like changes but that’s not true.  I am potentially pretty happy about some changes that could be on the horizon – those for myself and those less connect to me that I see arising.  But what I do realize is that while I may be happy with the changes that are on the horizon, I don’t enjoy the unknown.

In some ways today has been a day of a tiny bit of grieving.  The changes may be good, but what was, will never be again and because the future is not known I don’t yet know if those changes will be better than the past.  Because it’s unknown I’ve been going through a range of emotions: excitement, happiness, joy, confidence, sadness, anger, frustration and confusion.

So this weekend at the cabin is very needed.  It’s a time for me to process, relax, and find my joy so I’m ready for fun next weekend.  What I am starting to realize is that these feelings are normal in this uncertain time; it doesn’t mean that I’m really angry at the situation or at any particular person, and some of the feeling I have are not even directly related to these changes.  What it does mean is that I need to make sure to maintain my self confidence in this uncertain time, find that joy that I know is important and be courageous to take some risks.

One of the things on my mind lately also relates to church.  Most of those who know me who read this blog know that, though I don’t talk about church much here, it’s been a major part of my life for many years – with the exception of this past year.  I’m not going to go into the story of this past year – at least at the moment – but part of what I’m thinking about and part of the emotions of this past week involves this side of my life. I’ve missed it but haven’t felt ready to go back to my church (where I’m known). Right now, I’m still not sure I’m ready but being that I’m at the cabin, I do feel ready to visit a church that I don’t normally go to. No one there knows me, and I don’t have to explain things.  So tomorrow, part of this weekend of processing, I will go to a small chapel that’s here at the cabin.  I don’t know what it’ll bring but it’s a step that I am ready to take.  Maybe it will mean it’s time to go back to my church, but I need this ‘invisible’ church first before I know what’s next.

So for now those many emotions are swirling around and for right this second I’m going to set aside the harder emotions and smile with a positive outlook at the potential for the future. And with that on my mind I am going to go to sleep so that I can get up early for the first Sunday in a very long time.


Read Full Post »

Recently I posted asking the question: “a year ago could you have imagined where you’d be and what you’d be doing today?”. Now I’m truely faced with considering the reverse. Can I imagine what my life will be like in a year? Two? Five? Ten?

I’ve recently started a new job, after more than a year and a half of being without a career-related permanent position.  That brought me to a place where I never ever want to be again.  Stability in my employment has always been important and now, it’s even more important. The job I’ve accepted is stable. The company is not going to go under anytime soon, and I like my team. It’s nice to have a predictabe paycheque, and the work is intellectually stimulating.  But, they’re very conservative financially — the salary I accepted was much lower than other companies.  So that’s stressful because I’m trying to save, be responsible for preparing for retirement and doing what I need to do so my dreams of home and family in the near future are able to be realized.

But how do I get there? Where do I want my career to go? Where do I see myself? I’ve had a lot of rough things happen to me in recent months. To the degree that, to be totally honest, I’m afraid to think of the future. I’d rather life just happen. Every time I carry a dream it feels like it gets dashed, or somehow destroyed.

But it feels like I’m being forced to make decisions. I keep having opportunities forced on me. Not that I’m complaining, but I’ve had multiple offers for interviews.  It’s ironic because I was desperate for interviews and they were few and far between.  Now I’m getting calls, some I’m turning down, some, like the test I’m taking in a week, I’m pursuing.

But the decision I have to make, I have to decide in the next 2 weeks, or less. It’s to go back to school. Would totally change my direction. Would be secure, pay would be better, but my company may change the team’s salary structure.

I don’t know. I was asked where I saw myself in 10 years, and I could mention that I hoped to have kids by then, that I’d like to have a stable home, a life that I enjoy living, a good relationship with my family. Job-wise, I imagine myself in a position that challenges me intellectually, that has built my management skills, that allows me to problem-solve.

So what does that look like? Is it going back to Nursing school? Is it staying in Biotech? Perhaps moving to the government position in the future? It’s hard to decide as I’ve only been in my position for a short time. It’s still the honeymoon period, and I’m not yet fully trained.  So while I’m satisfied (in all areas except finances), is it right to give up school? Is School worth going into debt by thousands of dollars not to mention 2 more years of lost income? Would I be better off investing as much as I can in that timeframe for long term growth?

So much to consider. At least when I run my latest half marathon this weekend, I’ll have something to distract myself.

Tonight was a nice night. Though tough too. I cooked dinner for a good friend of mine (Warm Thai Chicken Salad) and we hung out. Chatted a little bit. He’s one of a number of friends who are keeping watch on me as I work my way through this very very rough patch I’m in. I think I have something like 5 movie dates booked and a few concerts and the like. I appreciate my friends. It’s nice to feel supported and cared for, even though I find it difficult to reach out and ask for it.  I then went and danced to a few songs. I’m into lindy hop, blues dancing, balboa and other dances in the broad genre of swing dancing. But I’ve been struggling to be inspired most of the time these recent weeks.

So I had some fun dances, but didn’t dance much. Watched. It’s an outside venue so the weather wasn’t the greatest, so I came home. And am now here hanging out and reflecting on life and decisions.

Read Full Post »

Time just seems to fly by, and it’s hard to believe it’s already the end of Wednesday.  Tuesday was a busy day at work, and today I managed to get a handle on a particular technique that I haven’t yet had to work with.  So I’ve been wrapping my brain around flow cytometry, which has been a lot of fun. Now I am moving from just understanding the general principles to much more specific — and hopefully enough to use it in my job as a tech support rep.

But it’s interesting too, I was sitting and having lunch in the lunchroom and some of the reps came over and joined me. I don’t envy them, given that I was in their position in my last job — and hated it.  But they have such an air of self assurance and confidence. This is a very good thing, but it reminds me of what I’m working on and makes it ever apparent to me just what I’m lacking. Not that they made me feel 2cm tall, far from it — they chose to sit and chat with me — but that it reminded me of my own battered and bruised spirit that is working on healing and how I didn’t feel confident and self assured. This isn’t about the job or knowing my stuff, it’s about ‘me’. If that makes any sense.

In fact, I find my feelings around blogging interesting. My other blog, one of my best friends didn’t have the link to it. Until we were chatting last night.  I will give her the link to this blog once I’ve finalized the transition from my old blog. That being said, I have always appreciated knowing that people are following my blog and are giving me feedback. I have posted this blog to be shared, so I do hope it’s getting read. If you are reading this, I’d love to hear what you think.

Read Full Post »

A year ago… what were you doing? If someone had asked then you what you’d be doing today what would your answer be? I’m not sure I can answer that but it does give me pause.

Today I found out that a casual friend, not an acquaintance, but not someone with whom I have heart to hearts, is pregnant. 29 weeks along. She and the father have gotten married. They’ve been together for a while so it was serious, though I don’t know more than this (in fact I know all this through Facebook, haven’t heard the story directly yet…).

A year ago, would she have predicted that she’d be ~11 weeks away from being a mommy? What would I have predicted for myself a year ago. I’m not even sure I was able to think about it then. I was teaching ESL, trying to find a job and in the middle of a weight loss journey.

I know what I hoped for, know where I was at in many areas of my life. I guess, even if she’s happy to have a baby on the way, I wonder if she would have even begun to guess that this is where she’d be? Would I have guessed that I’d be where I am today? For some aspects of my life I can say emphatically that I had no clue that I’d be where I’m at. If you told me that this is where I’d be, I’d’ve said it’s impossible.

I’m doing alright. Job-wise I’m enjoying it, though I realize that it’s time to step up the intensity a bit. They’re being gentle on us, but I learn more by doing than by just reading. It’s time to start doing, at least somewhat…

I’m going to take that test (see previous post). Sadly it means I probably can’t go away the weekend of that test – like I’d originally planned, but a friend who’s in a similar sector in the government has cautioned that the process can take eons and if I even think that I might like a job in that general area I should pursue it, because it could take a year or more…

This weekend too, was a quiet one. I was mostly by myself and dealing with some stuff, letting it vaguely ruminate as I puttered around. I’ll admit that I’ve been emotionally eating, and I need to stop it. So I’ve got to figure out a way to put a halt to it.

But one thing at a time, and I think emotionally eating is a symptom not the core. I’m paying attention to the core right now.

So thus ends another update from me…

Read Full Post »

So, it’s often been said to me that ‘like attracts like’. What I mean by that is, the example I’m often given is that if a person meets someone and gets involved, all of a sudden all these other potential partners come out of the woodwork. In my case, I’m seemingly permanently single, so that’s not what I’m talking about here, that’s another blog in itself. What I’m referring to is the sudden appearance of other career options. Now that I’ve got a job, and it seems like a good place, a good fit, and I’m happy there.

Problem being: I’ve had yet another request for an interview for a position I’d applied to 7 or 8 months ago. A government position, so I knew it could take a long time before getting an interview.

Step two: Take a written test.

I’m not sure what the better option would be: take the test so I see what it’s like, or turn down the opportunity. I guess after my past experience with my old company, I really don’t ‘trust’ the security of the job I have. At least not yet. I think I need to prove to myself that it’s something that’s going to last — I know the company’s not going to close like the last one, but I guess until the training period’s over, I’m going to wonder and I hate to sever backup plans — I DON’T want to be job hunting again like before…

Need to think and consider potential career directions (etc) before I answer. At least if I decide to see what the test is like, I can write it on a Saturday.

Read Full Post »