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Archive for February, 2010

Angry

Break ups, whatever the form, suck. And this one is no different. Each time I go through one, I handle it differently.  This one hurts, yes. I feel bruised, yes.  I’m hiding a bit because I’m not feeling confident enough to put myself out there right now. I’m back to considering online dating — at least I can screen potentials while in the comfort of my home.  But the weird thing is I haven’t really cried.  Nothing more than a few tears here and there.  I’m not saying I’m not sad. I really am.  But I’ve been expecting this and dealing with this idea for a while, so as much as I would have liked the chance to see where this could progress, I wasn’t hoping for it.  And, I haven’t cried.

But I have reached the angry stage.  I’m not angry at the distraction, he hasn’t done anything wrong.  He hasn’t lied to me, that I can tell.  But really, I am angry that he said that he doesn’t want to close the door to discussing ‘us’ in the future.  He made sure to say that he didn’t want to have me hanging on by a string because he didn’t know how long it’d take him for his life to stop sucking (it’s been crappy lately), and that if I’m with someone if/when he’s ready to explore something it’s his loss.  Later on, I commented that I was fine, because I want to be with someone who wants to be with me (essentially, attempting — along with the other things I’d said in the conversation — to convey that I get it, that he’s ‘just not that into me’).   His response? To correct me and say that I should be with someone who can give me what I want right now.

GRRRRR. And that’s what makes me angry.  As a friend was telling me last night (who, last night, also went through a similar break up for similar reasons), the guy she’d been seeing commented that the distraction just said those things because he didn’t want to hurt me. Confirmation of my thoughts.  And that makes me angry.

Why angry? Because, yet again, it’s the same situation as I’m always in. A guy who likes me but not enough.  And a guy who doesn’t have the courage to tell me the truth, cut the ties and then move on.  It makes me angry because we’ve always been honest with each other and I know that he has always tried to be honest with me.  Am I willing to trust, even in this, that he’s telling me the truth?

There is NO WAY I plan on going forward holding on to some vague ‘hope’ that he’ll change his mind and want to explore things again more intentionally once the hell he’s in the middle of calms down.  So, I’m angry.  I’m angry because I can’t forget that he’s said those things, but like the guy my friend was seeing, I’m also sure that he said those things to try and make it easy on me. In the moment, perhaps it does, but overall? NO it definitely doesn’t.  Why? Because regardless of my attempts I can’t forget that he said those things. And right now, if he came up to me and said that he regretted our conversation, I’d take him back.  Maybe in a month or two I wouldn’t.  But right now I would and that makes it harder to move on.

Definitely the easiest break up I had was when the guy said ‘when I break up I’m done, I don’t believe in back and forth, once it’s over it’s OVER’.  That was painful, but easy because I knew that nothing could or would change.  I dealt with it, moved on.  Ironically, he’s the one who did regret it and later asked to get back together (a few times), but I had truly moved on. I was done.

I’m okay with it if a guy really means it: that he needs space to deal with his own crap and, later when he’s able, may want to explore things.  But, DON’T say it unless you really mean it.  And I don’t believe any guy really ever means it.  Which is what makes me angry.

I have a friend who’s close enough to know what’s going on with the distraction and who knows that I’d like to know what’s going on (that way I don’t have any surprises to deal with).   If the distraction was just in some crazy way trying to be ‘nice’, rather than honest, and as much as I wouldn’t want it to happen, I do hope he gets involved quickly with someone else. That way my friend will let me know and I will have that severing that’s painful but that totally cuts ties.  Right now, the ties are cut, yes, but they’re not gone.

And the guy who confirmed to a friend my suspicions (that the distraction was just doing that to be nice and not hurt me)? When my friend and this guy ended things yesterday  (similar situation etc etc). He said the SAME THING!!!  ARGGGGGGG!!!!

Why do guys do this and what the HELL is wrong that I cannot find a guy who will stick around for a while?

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It’s been a while since I’ve written an update. There are things going on that make it both hard for me to write and necessary to write what’s really going on. But am I ready to really reflect? Will I be ready before the insanity of school resumes?

This olympic break has been transformational — I’ve been to an amazing event at the Olympics — Ice Dance, where I got to see Moir and Virtue take Gold for Canada.  It was awesome.

But then a couple of days later, I had to deal with the unpleasantness of a break up and all the crap that comes with that. This is where I’m at now. For friends who know me, are probably confused, but ‘the distraction’ resurfaced and is now done.  There are many reasons why it is the way it is, and my assessment is ultimately that he’s “Just Not That Into Me”. He didn’t like that assessment.  So now I’m going to deal. And I realize that I need to focus on me and school.

Sadly, this also means I’m losing Blues Dancing. To a certain degree. Saturday I’ll get to dance, but other than that I may be done for a couple of months. I need space. For right now I’m cocooning and going to focus on studying.

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