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Archive for December, 2009

I’ve been trying to organize my house this Christmas break and it’s helping to get me ready for the inevitable — school.  But for now I’m heading down to Portland for a couple of nights of dancing and New Years celebrations.  So, for now, I’m going to say good night and wish all friends and readers Happy New Year!

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The Game

It’s one we all play at some point in our lives, some even enjoy it.  This game is the ‘dating game’.  I have realized something, yet again, tonight. I do not like the dating game.  I also realize that I have three choices: either I can date a friend or a guy I already know, remain single permanently, or play the dating game.

I don’t choose to be single, I do want a relationship.  However, I must say I detest the dating game. Tonight I had a date with a guy that I met at a night out a couple of weeks ago.  Christmas got in the way from meeting earlier.  So what was the night like?

Initially, I was hesitating on the inside because I really don’t love the dating game.  However, expanding my connections is important unless I want to stay single.  So I went, even though I wasn’t sure about his name and wasn’t entirely sure I remembered what he looked like.  I arrived at the restaurant and waited outside. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to tell who he was inside so I arrived a bit early.  As I was waiting outside, freezing, a guy alone walks by. I was sure it was him.  He glanced in my direction but he didn’t seem to recognize me.

I waited outside and watched, and he was definitely the right guy, was looking for me, and obviously couldn’t remember what I looked like. I waited and debated, but went in and walked up to him.  He realized that we were to meet, but didn’t remember my name. Ironically I wasn’t sure I remembered his name too, and I had a good excuse, I don’t know his though! 😛  However, I was surprised by that.  Anyhow, we re-introduced ourselves and sat down.  What was my impression? I would steamroller him.  He’s friendly and full of conversation, but he didn’t really seek to find out more about me and I’m much ‘quicker’ than he is.  Plus, there’s no chemistry.  Unfortunately, in the midst of the evening we made plans to go to a movie next week. I wasn’t ready yet to say ‘no’, and was more expecting that he’d call after a few days and I could then figure out what to say. At least I’d have time.  But as it is, we have plans.  But, to be honest, I don’t really want to go.  How can I be nice and considerate of someone else yet still get out of this?

So where does that leave me? Well, in terms of people I already know, well, there’s no one I’m interested in who’s a possibility.  The distraction is mostly done — as I’ve mentioned, but not totally out of my life. Could he come back? Maybe. Could he be something other than as a distraction? Who knows. I don’t want to get my emotions entangled in that train of thought right now.

So what’s the choice? The dating scene makes me sigh. Perhaps I haven’t had a date with a guy who ‘captures my fancy’.  The potential of a friend developing into a relationship is what is really ideal for me, however, as I’ve mentioned that’s not an option.  So, for now, I’m not going to seek dates, I’m going to go when they present themselves but I’m not going to seek them out.

So, as has been the ultimate reality for me, I will stay single.  Yes guys have come and gone, yes I have not been ‘guyless’ entirely, but it has been a long time since there’s been an exclusive, progressive relationship.  And, yes, it hurts. However, it’s not worth it to me to get involved with someone who doesn’t capture me the way that I know that I can be captured.

Anyhow, so with a week left before school goes back in, I’m going to keep re-organizing my life, cleaning, preparing for school and accepting that things may continue to be solo for a while longer. At least I’ve got practice at it. Sigh.

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It’s after midnight. December 23rd.  And like last year, I am awake and pausing to reflect on where this year has taken me.  Last year, I was dealing with things collapsing around me regarding my ex-friend, I was grieving being single at my age and facing the reality of not having kids — maybe never getting married, finding that partnership that we all seek and that person with whom I’d want to have kids.

I was pretty sad — I was in the beginning stages of what was a difficult beginning to this year.  This guy was one who I thought was a best friend, who surprised me by changing the status of our relationship. Who then didn’t follow through, lied about me to those around me, apologized, and when I’d forgiven him and reached out when I needed it most he betrayed me. Now, most of this happened at the start of the year, but it began late last year and I was in the middle of this on my birthday last year.

It was a poignant reminder that I am single and have been for a very long time.  Last year I felt like I was on the same path that I’d always been on, that nothing really had changed ever.  I felt frustrated and inhibited by my life and felt like I was making no significant contribution.  It was a very difficult birthday.

But how am I this year? I’m okay. I don’t love birthdays. I do find them difficult.  It’s another year where I’m single (as always), no prospects and facing another year with that major path the same as always hurts. I don’t like it.  But it’s a very different year.

This year my grandma passed away, I dealt with the loss of someone I thought was a friend. It was a year partly of grief. It also was a year of major decisions and life changing choices.    I ended up choosing to obtain my original birth registration and my adoption file it was a profound experience to consider ideas of identity, self, life.  I haven’t finalized this exploration or this path.  But for now, I need to set it aside. I’m not ready to open the door to a reunion, though I suspect I may have found (through the wonders of social media) my biological family.  Will I walk that path one day? Maybe.  Right now I need to concentrate on another path.

As regular readers of this blog (if any are still checking in after my long period of being AWOL!) will know, I’m in nursing school. Making the decision to go back to school was difficult.  I did not want to give up a regular paycheque and the stability of the ‘known’.  But I felt trapped, useless. I was in a job that I was trained to do, but couldn’t see any growth potential. I have things that excite me but nothing in the job that would directly take me to a place where I wanted to go.  Plus, with the instability in biotech I felt like I was trapped in a low paying job with no recourse to building anything better.

So I took the leap and decided to go back to school — nursing school.  So, now, I’m back in an undergraduate program, have little work and no money.  But, I have peace. I know that I’m doing something radical, yet it’s necessary.  It will bring me to a place that will let me make a difference in people’s lives. It may be on a small, individual, scale and being able to affect people’s lives is what matters to me. It’s why I went into research — to make a difference, yet now I have a chance to do it directly.  It’s a major change to my world, but it’s one that’s finally ‘right’.

I spent the early part of the year trying to run and dance as much as I can, though in recent days that’s tapered off.  I’m going to go to Portland for a dance weekend over New Years, and it’s possible that this will be a tapering off of my dancing for the time being.  I LOVE dancing when I’m in other cities, but don’t always love it here.  So I’m trying to plan my time carefully. With so little free time the question becomes ‘how do I want to spend it?’ As one friend has commented — the live music is often better — with those with whom we most enjoy dancing.  So, if I can manage the time, I’m going to try that — I want to make sure that I’m going to have fun in my free time as much as I can and if I can focus on the venues that are open and fun.

And running.  Running is something that’s kept me sane this year. I ran a second marathon. One that stressed me out much less than the first one — I was too busy stressing over school! But, I did it! My second marathon. My life in the fall was intense — I trained for a marathon, worked ~10 hours/week, and was a full time nursing student (in an accelerated program).

So, although my ‘big issue’ — that of relationship and family — hasn’t changed. I can easily say, I’m not the same person I was this time last year. I’m not thrilled about my birthday, but I’m at peace. I’ve made changes that will lead to better things, better days in a mere 16 months.

So I wonder, where will I be this time next year? Will I still be single or will that path take a turn too? This time next year I will have finished most of my courses and will be facing only one more term — my clinical major and my practicum.  I will have started to work as an employed student nurse and will hopefully have clearer steps about what will happen after my program is done (will I leave Vancouver as I hope, or will I decide to stay? What area of practice will I choose?).

This year has been profound, full of transitions. Some transitions I hope continue and I hope for a year of more joyful times in my life. For now, I’m going to stop, enjoy my birthday, finish preparing for Christmas (one more gift to buy and I’ve been sick so need to brave the stores on my birthday… ugh!), and will work on a post of some thoughts and goals about 2010.

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