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Archive for November, 2009

Considering how much I have on, it’s a wonder I kept running. I didn’t train enough but I did the Seattle Marathon today.  I had a great day all things considered. I knew the toughest part of the course so I didn’t hit the wall, and I didn’t fall and hurt myself (as I did when I ran in Seattle 3 weeks ago). The course is very hilly, takes you through tunnels and bridges, parks and the city.  But it was great overall.

 

The weekend was spent in Seattle with my running group; there were 8 of us all together. It was my first time staying in a hotel in Seattle, and it was a lovely experience — as much as I love hanging with my friends it was nice to be with the running group.  And the hotel was close to the start line.

 

Anyhow this is probably my last post until Finals are done but I had to briefly comment that MARATHON #2 IS DONE! No PB but given I hardly could train while in school, I’m pretty happy with 4:48:29. My During-Nursing-School-PB. Let’s see if I can beat it next year (or, heh, my overall PB if I can find a few more hours in my week!).

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Okay, so, I’m supposed to be working on a paper, packing for Seattle and cleaning my house. Not to mention Sleeping. BUT I had to share. I was craving chocolate tonight and have none in the house. NONE. Well, except for cocoa powder.

I was desperate so I looked on the internet to see if there were any recipes for tiny chocolate cakes. There are. Many. But, all of them call for lots of oil. And since I want to indulge but not be crazy I decided to try modifying the cake.

And let me tell you, it was delightful! I even took photos. Here’s what I did:

Individual Chocolate Cake:

4 TBSP Flour
4 TBSP Sugar
2 TBSP Cocoa (I’d increase this the next time to 3)
1 Egg
3 TBSP Water (You can also use milk soy or rice milk – I used water as I don’t drink Milk and I’m out of soy)
3 TBSP Applesauce
1 tsp Vanilla
2 TBSP Chocolate Chips

Mix the dry ingredients together well. Add the water, egg, applesauce and vanilla. Mix well. Pour into a mug (I mixed it in a mug, but would use a measuring cup next time and transfer it I think). Microwave on high for 3 minutes.

Let it cool a bit. Enjoy!!

It was wonderful. The applesauce I used was homemade with lots of cinnamon in it, so next time I’ll use plainer applesauce and increase the cocoa powder. But, it was intense, rich and very yummy.

This may become a dangerous exam-time habit.

It's rich and decadent...

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The final push

I can’t write a long post, though there are many things I’m considering, many things I’d like to write. What I NEED to be doing right now is writing a major final paper for one of my courses and it’s a struggle. I’ve chosen to write on Depression — a complex health issue, but one that impacts so many of us personally, and one that I guarantee we’ll see in practice once we’re done, whether or not we’re working in mental health.

 

But I have to get through it. I will get through it. Next weekend I am running the Seattle Marathon, which means there is added pressure to get this stupid thing done before then — at least drafted so that i can just edit edit edit. I even have a concept map done.  Yet still, I have writer’s block.

 

But I also have 2 finals that I need to study for, and a presentation. I’m a little busy, at least until Dec 10th.

 

Anyone have any novel tips for getting over a case of writer’s block?

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A stolen weekend…

All that has gone on in my life since September has been intensity and stress. Good stress, but stress none-the-less.  This weekend I stole my weekend, and life back and it was wonderful.

Friday began very very early, with work, and then it was home to pack and get ready for my weekend. But first, a surprising phone call where it seems that the distraction may not be as gone as I thought.  No major changes but not disappearing as I first thought.  That’s fine and I am going to take him at his word — that he has been really busy.  I didn’t specifically state that I was assuming that ‘he’s just not that into me’ because that seemed to show a lack of self-confidence etc.  That being said, my guard is back up and I am still going to move forward with my own plans and as for the future? Who knows.  I am going to take all that one day at a time.  For now, I’m happy I was honest about certain things in the conversation (without flipping out) and we’ll see what the future brings. Or doesn’t.

After that conversation, I did the mad scramble (and didn’t forget a thing!) to get out the door and head to Seattle for this year’s Emerald City Blues Festival.  We made it to the dance in record time (not stopping) and it was an amazing night! Both nights of dancing, in fact, were fantastic. The energy is amazing, there were people from all over ready and excited about dancing. What’s an even better treat is the number that are excited about dancing with ME! I love dancing in Seattle or other cities because for the most part the people there don’t have the lazy arrogant attitude that dancers here have — I can easily ask people to dance, but so do the leads. I know they want to dance with me, I know they’re excited to see me and dance with me.  It was WONDERFUL! At one point I could see a lead I know walking up to me to dance with me, and a second lead got between us to ask me to dance.  At this one moment I had two leads  both with outstretched arms trying to dance with me.  A much needed ego boost! I made sure to do the polite thing and I danced with the guy who got in between my friend and I. The reason? I didn’t know him. I made sure to find my friend ASAP too.

The second night was more of the same. I felt beautiful.  I even wore a new dress I’d not yet had the guts to wear, and I looked great!  There were many amazing dances and I’ve developed a new dance crush. I love those, those mutual connections with someone that lead to amazing dances. I don’t know how many times we danced but it was a lot.

This year I didn’t do the classes. I’d wanted to, but was hesitating after the gong show classes at ABP earlier this year (those classes were a  big mistake, even if the event was great!). To be honest, given how disenchanted I’ve been with dancing in Vancouver and how stressed school’s had me, the fact that I had a relaxing weekend and dances that gave me the excited spark back, means I made the right choices.

So what did I do with my free daytime? I ran. And ran. And ran. It was my longest solo training run — I’ve always had a running community around to run with. But not this time. I did manage to get part of the marathon route done (I’m running the Seattle Marathon at the end of the month). It went well, and was a good run, except that I fell. Yup, banged up knee and twisted my ankle and everything. I need to replace my running tights, now.   Fortunately it was only a mild ankle twist, and with a bit of care I was able to dance.  So for runners out there: Seattle has horrible sidewalks for the most part (99.9% of the run I had my head down watching for dangerous spots. The 0.1% was when I was looking at a garbage can and throwing something away — I missed the hole that was there), so take care while running. Otherwise it was a great city and a great run. The runners I met while I was out remind me of what I love about Vancouver running and showed me that I could find a community like the one I have here should I decide to leave Vancouver once school’s done.

Sunday was a day for sleeping and doing some studying. Not nearly enough, and I know I’ll spend my Nov 11th catching up, but I needed the break. I feel relaxed and refreshed and ready to face whatever this next week has for me. For now though, it’s time I sleep so that I can face work, then home for a bit, then clinical until late late late.

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It’s taken me a while to write this post as I’ve been dealing with school, my first clinical placement, projects, homework, essays, working part time and training for a marathon (as much as I can train).  Fortunately, the busy-ness means I have an outlet of distraction as I deal with the other more emotional sides of things.

I’ve briefly alluded to the distraction being done, and that’s been a bit difficult to deal with. I can’t really explain why, because I don’t know, other than to quote the title of a book that I detest (mostly because it’s harsh, doesn’t provide a solution, and it’s true) “He [was] just not that into me”.   He’s pretty much disappeared and I’ve been going through all sorts of emotions — frustration, sadness, anger, denial, acceptance.  The classics.  I’m getting to the point of acceptance more continuously. Perhaps if he ever calls me, I’ll be pleasant on the phone and be able to converse at a neutral level. I’ll think about that at the time, if it ever occurs.

For some self-reflection, I did get more emotionally involved than I would have liked. That scared me.  I’ve been realizing more and more lately that part of the reason I am where I am in my life is that I’m hesitant to trust, to open up. I don’t know how to bring up those tough conversations when it’s easy.  In some ways I’m again behind a wall I’ve been trying to get rid of — but it isn’t totally gone.  I’ve been thinking a lot about why do I find it so hard to open up when I’m in a non-platonic relationship? And I think it has to do with vulnerability.  Particularly in recent years, I’ve been wounded a lot when I’ve tried being vulnerable, particularly with family members.  That’s made me shut myself off and I don’t like opening up those difficult conversations. If they happen and I don’t have to be intentional about opening it, that’s fine.  But when I have to open myself up, be vulnerable, it scares me.  And when I’m stressed (as I am — see the opening of this post!), it’s even harder.

But what it means is I need to learn some tools, how to open myself up when it’s not scary, how to make it safe for me to open up, because hiding behind an emotional wall is not what I want!  So for now, I’m just going to carry on, thankful that I’m not on a rollercoaster of emotions and finish this term with strength (1 month to go until the term ends, exams and I get a BREAK! WEEE!!) and try to come up with ways that I can be more vulnerable before it gets to a point that scares me and develop tools that I can use so that I can achieve what I want in all areas of my life, not just my career.

For now though, I’m going to sleep hopeful that I’m not coming down with something. THAT would be terrible timing.

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