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Archive for October, 2009

Exhausted and Busy

I’m resurfacing briefly to let you all know (those who are still reading… 😀 ) that I am still wanting to blog, have even started some posts. But things are pretty crazy. Plus, for school I’ve got reflective journals to do so I feel like I’m doing what I’d normally do here somewhere else for grades. Unfortunately I can’t crosspost due to the risk of being told I’m plagiarizing myself (yes, that’s possible!).

 

For example, I had a paper due today and I ended up writing all about the adoption topic I’ve discussed here. Maybe once this course is over I can re-work the paper and post it, assuming I do okay on it. I assume once the course is done it’s fine?? Not sure.

 

The rest of my life is more or less on hold:

  • The distraction I’ve commented on in the past is most likely done and no longer a distraction (or shouldn’t be). I may be wrong, hope I’m wrong in fact, but such is how it seems. I’m fine. Dealt with it when I couldn’t figure out how to post what I was working through but wanted to write about it.
  • Still annoyed at finances — is there any bank who will treat a client properly as a student to build a long term relationship? Both banks I’ve dealt with have treated me like dirt. Yet I have no choice. I’ll stick with them for now because I have to, not because I want to support them.
  • School is going okay. Grades are fine  so far. I can’t complain, even if it’s not the ‘perfect’ that I expect of myself. Heh. I’ll get over that.

 

Anyhow, I’m still here, I’ll try to post shorter or longer posts as I can.  For now, Clinical Week 1 is done, I’ve got 5 more weeks of school this term, finals and then a break! I was so tired that tonight I slept the entire evening. I managed to cook dinner, do dishes and nap. I did nothing.  Tomorrow night I’ll get some work done, catch up on the weekend and hit the ground running next week with another paper due. Oy.

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I’ve got something on my mind. I really want to blog about it. I’m thinking about it a lot and I know what I want to write about. It’s all about communication. BUT, I can’t get the words out, they’re there — I’ve got two drafts saved that I’m trying to work on — but I can’t get them out. Soon I hope.

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I’ve spent the last little while studying, working to get ready for a final, lab exam, midterms.  I think the exams went fine, but I don’t have the results back yet. It’s made me tense, but enjoying school and it’s made me a bit more sensitive than usual.  So as a result I’m thinking and processing stuff in my personal life too. I’m not sure I’m ready to write about it but I’m still here. 18.5 months to go…

For now though, the nightmares are gone (attempting, badly, to communicate at least is a good thing), so I’m going to sleep.

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I have had an intense week. It’s late, I should be asleep but I also know that when I wake up in the morning final exam prep begins in greater ernest than before. This week I had a reflective journal entry due, a debate to do (and let me tell you I could post on group dynamics etc but I may save that for later– right now I’m thinking of different things), and this is the week where we’ve dealt a lot with communication techniques, theories, and discussions such as grief and loss.

We watched part of a movie called “Wit” and it’s certainly not one that’s easy to watch, and it certainly opened my eyes to both good and bad healthcare practice. Also, watching this woman die of a very aggressive form of cervical cancer was heart breaking, and stirred so many emotions. It’s definitely a movie I want to watch all the way through — when I have time. It’s not an easy movie but one that I think is important to watch.

The other topic that impacted me was ‘grief and loss’.  We all know that entering nursing school means we will face grief, loss, death. In fact, in many ways I’m grieving the past freedom I had in my career. Now my time is school work, exercise and more school work. Oh and work too.    But beyond that, we dealt with grief in the context of our own lives.   It brought back the grief of my grandma passing away — which is natural as it’s only been 6 months (though it feels like an instant) and in many ways I’m still grieving her loss — as one could expect.   And, more surprisingly, I was reminded of the grief I felt for my other grandma’s loss — many years ago.  Her loss was long ago so it was not immediately intense, but that process of grieving was long, painful and one that I’ll never forget.  But the truth is, it’s important to address these things now, at school, so that we can be prepared as we enter the clinical setting where we will face death. I’m glad we spoke. Everyone had stories, experiences that gave them much wisdom and the environment was safe.

But it does mean that this week was intense , very intense.  It’s made my emotions a bit of a basket case this evening.  I have certain things I’d like to explore and experience. Sometimes, in my current situation I wonder if that will happen and I feel sad, confused, uncertain.  In the normal day to day, I don’t feel sad, confused or uncertain (at least most of the time), but right now I do. It’s just a response to the intensity of this week. I know this (oh and excuse the vagueness — public blog and all that).  This comes to the forefront of my mind right now because of a conversation I had with a friend of mine this evening.   The things I’d like to experience? She’s having that chance right now.  In fact, it seems that most of my friends are.  I’m so happy for them, 100%.  But for the moment, I need to be selfish and say that I wish my current situation was slightly different. Reality is though, my current situation is probably for the best, but I can still wish, can’t I?

The intensity will continue next week, though my hope is that there will be no more grieving.  That being said, my final exam for this course is on Friday. So yes, this will likely be my last post until that exam is done.  Whatever else, Nursing School is a profound experience.

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