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Archive for May, 2009

Challenging Day

Tonight’s a night when I don’t know what to post. Long standing issues have raised their ugly heads again. I’m quite stressed — to say the least.  I’m not sure what else I’m prepared to say, right now, or ever. Suffice it to say, I took a risk and got burned. I probably wont take the risk again. But I’m in a less messy place than I would have been otherwise. I’m still in a messy place, but less so than in the past. That’s a step forward.  I do need to process things a bit more, but right at the moment I’m not ready.

The one bright side? I have Nexus so I could escape a bad situation with ease, without getting stuck in a border line up twice in 3 hours. I drove right through and didn’t need to really even stop.

Sleep, though, is good. Bootcamp will be early. So now it’s time to sleep.

When will an easy happy time come?

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Freedom

Tonight was the first Showboat of the season. I didn’t know how it would go. But I had a great night. The lost friend was there, and it was the first time I saw him since he betrayed me and proved that he doesn’t truely value me (when my grandma died).

I didn’t know how it was going to go. But I was professional, did not show anything that was personal or emotional. I was also pretty happy.  He was hovering and quiet, came up when I was talking to some friends. Later he asked me to dance, asked me how I was (My answer: Great, thanks), and what was new. I said ‘everything and nothing’. So he asked what the ‘everything’ part was.  I made the decision back as I was dealing with my grandma’s death, that my friendship is availble to others, but not him. As I said then “I’ve lost nothing, but I’ve gained the truth; he’s lost my friendship”.  We danced twice, and that was fine. No conversation beyond that first one — wait, I did ask for more dance venue plan information — but otherwise we didn’t chat.

The other thing I realized is that I have freedom. In the past, seeing the lost friend chatting on and doing his passive aggressive hit on on a ‘his type’ girl, I’d feel hurt. He did that tonight, I did catch the view of it. And my response? Right through to my core it was ‘MEH’. I couldn’t find it in me to care, in the least. So yes, tonight was a night with good dances, and a realization that I have found freedom.

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I took a step, went out and danced. It may be weird, but it has been important that I take these steps. Tonight was the first opportunity I’ve really had to get back out and dance. I’ve been a couple of times, but the ‘routine’ is gone. Tonight was at the Yale. There weren’t really any follows and not many leads — though there were more leads than follows. I’m glad I went because it’s good to get out in the scene again. But it’s not my first night dancing. Friday was Blues in the City, and it was absolutely fabulous. I had a friend come and visit — the same friend from this post — I got a call last week saying he was coming to visit, so I had company for the weekend.  It was a lovely weekend

As I mentioned friday night was Blues in the City. And I had some amazing dances. It was a night when I was ‘on’ that’s for sure, and my friend who was visiting — I’d say we have great dance chemistry. It even seemed that when we danced we had audiences. Pretty much every time we’d dance there would be people surrounding facing and watching us.  One of my friends even said that it’s the best she’s ever seen me dance. They really were amazing dances. I’d say he was perhaps the best lead in the room, by far.  And the last dance, it was epic, one that I will remember for a very long time.  It’s the type of song that could be quiet and close or the kind where you lay it all on the line and make it something special — by putting all your creativity and expression into the song. We danced the last dance and chose the later. I wish I had a video of us dancing.

As the last song finished, he gave me perhaps the best compliment ever.  There’s a follow in the city who’s back in town. She’s probably the best follow in most cities, let alone this one, and she’s someone who’s dancing I deeply respect (and take classes from her when I can).  I’m sure dancers can guess who I mean, but no names of course.  Anyhow, this friend said to me as that song ended “There are only two follows in the room who I could have danced like that to that song — you and her”.  That probably made my night. Easily.

What is the song? Here’s a youtube video of it:

The rest of the weekend was spent relaxing, going for a ride on his motorcycle, watching movies, spending time walking out in the sunshine. We missed the Saturday dance, but had an enjoyable evening nonetheless. It was a lovely weekend. I realized that I must make sure that I maintain my emotional availability, and it is maintained. But let me tell you, if he lived within my ‘acceptable distance’ I’d want to date him, and I believe it’s probably mutual. But, sadly, that’s not going to happen. So I will enjoy his company when I can, take the lessons of respect, kindness, chemistry, and assertiveness and allow those excellent qualities shape what I look for in a man. I know, for myself, I am emotionally available, but that’s a conscious choice. If he told me he found someone where he’s at, I’d be happy for him. If I found someone, I’m sure he’d be happy for me. I’d be melancholic, of course, but accepting and happy for him.  If we were in the same place, though, it would be nice to explore what could be. So I’m, again, “Happy to be Melancholic”

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Sometimes things just get busy. Nothing’s wrong, but life’s been hectic. There were relatives for dinner at my parent’s place on the weekend — first time in eons since we’ve connected. A friend was in town from Texas, and it was nice to catch up.  Cleaning and organizing continues as spring carries on — that and houseguest next weekend adds motivation.

No dancing. I decided to be responsible and not let my hand get injured; the stitches come out tomorrow morning (thanks to my running partner). At least I can mostly use my hand, and so I’ve planted my balcony garden — except for one tomato plant, I have to get one more.

And that’s the brief summary of my world. Things are good, carrying on and bootcamp comes early early in the morning. So it’s time to sleep.

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Stitches

Baking last night, the scissors slipped and I jabbed my thumb. It was too late for UBC’s urgent care, or a clinic, so off I went to VGH’s Emergency Department and spent 4 hours waiting to get 3 stitches.  I’d like to point out, though, to the guy who was in the triage line up before me and asked for ‘a prescription for his cold sores’.  Yeah, EPIC IDIOT FAIL! I realize that he’s probably looking for medication for the other kind of sore. But really. EMERGENCY? He couldn’t decide 2 or 3 hours earlier that the pain was distracting enough to get meds and GO TO A BLOODY WALK IN CLINIC?!?!?!

Ahem. So I got home from emergency, my thumb was throbbing as the freezing was wearing off and I was awake. All night. I got maybe an hour of sleep. I ended up getting up for bootcamp — and just doing the cardio and what I could.  I’m glad I did, because I know that feeling healthy, strong and fit is what I need right now.  But by the time I got to work I was exhausted. I couldn’t function. Not my hand, per se, but with no sleep, I was exhausted and had no brain power. So I lasted until just after lunch and came home and passed out.

Sometimes I think I have the worst luck. Bah.

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It was an epic weekend. A weekend I needed. It started at the end of a stressful, crazy day the last in a series of stressful crazy days. The final migraine trigger was smoothed over, and was caused by everyone being stressed out.  I was grumpy, just wanting to nap, and definitely weary.

But Slatergirl was there waiting ready for an evening out. We had plans to get together and hang with our friends who are in The Insomniacs. This is a fantastic blues band that was in town on their CD release tour. As it happens, the bassist is a blues dancer — which is how I originally learned of the band.  Hanging with my friends was great, and the band’s performance was superb. I’d love to see them play more often in Vancouver.  It was a night of fun, dancing, friends, and a great release from the insanity of the past few weeks.

Saturday morning I got up early, to run with the gang — and boy did I feel it. We kept up a decent pace and got in our 16k run as we needed. Then it was off to lunch with an old friend — it’s always great to catch up — but of course, I’m so fair skinned that I’m now looking like a tomato. But it was worth it, a beautiful patio, good friends, good food. Saturday night it was time for a BBQ to celebrate another good friend’s birthday.

Of course Sunday was Mother’s Day, so of course I spent that with Mom.

It was a weekend spent outdoors, filled with things that delight me. Today was a busy day at work, yet again, but it began with Bootcamp. There was a good number of us, all out at 6am, ready to work out and reach new levels of fitness. My legs feel it, a little bit — like they’ve had a good work out, as do my arms. When I tried to lift my bike back onto the hook (above my head) I could hardly do that.  I had to wheel my bike up the wall to get it up there. I definitely used my arms well. My core too — I thought I did pretty well, and can feel it. But I must admit that I think I wimped out and could have pushed myself harder. I can feel that my core worked, but I’m not 100% sure I worked it to failure. I guess I’ll see how I feel tomorrow — that will be the telltale sign.

So now I feel pretty good, tired, ready for bed, and looking forward to more running, bootcamping, hanging with friends and just living my life to the fullest.

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Things were pretty crappy yesterday.  I was at work, dealing with insanity.  We had someone from out of town come, and it was very nice. She tried to help by responding to some requests.   It was very kind of her. However, we then got into a ‘discussion’ of how to handle a call. I simply took the caller’s name and contact information and email address. The caller was difficult to understand (language barrier). Her opinion was that I should have just told the guy to email his question to us.   I was pretty frustrated because the way she was insisting that I had been wrong, and pretty much felt like I was being treated like a brainless twit.

Then, speaking with a trusted friend about this they essentially implied that I have — in their opinion — not been doing my job effectively.  Then when I tried to end the conversation I got told that I was resistant to change. And you know what, sometimes I am. Especially when it’s unsolicited and about something as stupid as whether to cut off the customer and ask them to email or struggle through and take down their email address and number directly.

So the headache that started after lunch built and intensified. As I walked home I was pretty upset — but l also had a better response — because these people are not my managers and may be opinionated but they’re not my manager. So while I was annoyed, I didn’t take it as personally as I would have in the more recent past. Because you know what? We all have different styles for how we handle the customers, and when we’re not stressed we all agree that this is fine.

So in regards to my ‘gut’ response: this is very good — not taking it personally is important!

Overall though, I was exhausted and had reached my limit and spent the rest of the night with a migraine.  I woke up this morning still with a migraine. I’ve spent much of the day on my sofa. Now I’m sitting here wishing I could run, but everytime I get up off my sofa I’m dizzy. So I’ll lay low and recover. Migraines for me, are definitely stress related.

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