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Archive for December, 2008

Relief…

To be asked the question “Are you dating X??” 99% of the time, I don’t care if someone asks me that. If the context is right (as this one was) I don’t care.  But sometimes, it bugs me. I like it if the person has the guts to directly ask me the question to my face — anytime, ask me. I won’t necessarily give you details, but I wont lie to you.  Tonight, I didn’t mind because the person — who legitimately wouldn’t know and rather than assuming it makes sense to ask — the context of friends all together, and me — friends with the hosts but primarily friends with one person there — it would look like we’re dating.  But yet it also stirred up thoughts, emotions, headspace type things, because it hits close to home.

I can’t reiterate how much I am done with this phase of my life. So done.  There are just under 24 hours of 2008 to go. Last year this time I was running around getting ready for a party. This year I’m relaxing and thinking. Last year I spent the night with a huge bash at my house — a blues party for new years. This year I will spend it with friends. Last year I got up on New Years Day and did a 5k Resolution Run. This year I don’t know what my new years day will bring. Last Year’s new years party and new years day really did represent how I spent my time in 2008. Dancing and Running defined my time this past year.

2008 was, quite honestly, a year from hell. For those who may not know me who read this blog, you must think I am this mopey depressed woman. But I’m generally not. I started off trying to write highlights of this year. And I could hardly think of any:

  • I ran my first full marathon
  • I regained a measure of self confidence
  • I danced and built friendships with people in Seattle
  • One of my dearest friends got married

This year is a year that has been a year of breaking and as I think about the highlights all I can do is think of all the things I want to forget. There is a long list of lowlights, if you will.  But, to be honest, I don’t want to list them here. If this blog — or my old one — has been followed, you’d know the lowlights, or can guess them.  This is a year that I can only say that I am glad it’s over. I hope that New Years Eve and New Years Day will represent the good things of next year.

2009, I don’t know what it will bring. I hope it will be a year that will be defined by relationships. Continued improvement in the family situation, personally and friendships. I hope that this year will be a year of unexpected good transformations. Because when I write my thoughts about 2009 this time next year, I cannot, simply cannot be in this place this time next year. Not emotionally. Not living this same path that I have always been on. This path that I don’t want to be on — yet have no control to change.

The end of 2007 was the beginning of the breaking. The end of 2008 was the reminder of the final straw that broke me spiritually at the end of last year. My dear friend Jules described 2008 as the dark horse year. I agree wholeheartedly. Her year had the unexpected turning. It was tough in some ways, transformational but ended very well. Mine’s been unexpected, and very tough.

She just posted on her blog The darkhorse/wildcard year:   a usually little known contender (such as a racehorse) that makes an unexpectedly good showing/an unknown or unpredictable factor.


My year was definitely not expected. It was unknown and unpredictable. It was not a happy year. I am glad it is done.  My dear friend is usually right about these things. She’s called 2009 the good luck year.  I hope she’s right again. I need lots of good. I hope for a long list of highlights, not a long list of difficult things.  And most of all, I hope I can look at my life and not be in this position.

For the moment, I will work through this “last straw issue”. I’ve got a way to work through it. I will work through it and either that which has been in flux will be returned to a solid state that has been a part of me for many years, or the flux will be re-shaped into something different.  I hope the solid state will be returned, but I’m afraid I will be disappointed, yet again.  So I will work through the last straw and at the end of the project I will know.

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There was a part of me that I’d thought I’d lost. I didn’t know if I’d find it again, or if I even wanted to find it again. Tonight ended up being a processing night. No one wanted to go to the yale and spend money on a $25 cover charge. I did — just to get out of the house, if for no other reason. But I stayed in and re-arranged my living room to make it better for watching my new TV. Sadly it’s screwed up my back again and HURTS like you wouldn’t believe — though I did try to be careful.

After that was done, I had an evening of processing. Thinking. Dealing. This isn’t with the immediate challenges, but rather with the core. Those things that the immediate challenges are making me pause and face. It was in thinking and dealing with that that I found something I thought I’d lost more than a year ago. But I found it. I don’t know if it’s here to stay, or if I am ready or want to have found it. But I did. So I will stand.

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Same Same…

Sometimes I wish I had something different to report. Something different to write.   Yet the flux is the same. It has returned and it carries on. It seems to be resigned to be this way.  I’m so tired of it, yet it is bigger than the specific flux. I’m tired of the grand flux, the specific I can handle, the grand is difficult.

So I will continue with my project, try to regain my equilibrium — on the grander scale and hope that core parts of my identity survive.

In other news, I have a new toy. I have to give the TV back that I’ve had. So for the first time in my life, I’ve bought a new TV. Brand new, not used, not belonging to someone else, one that I got to choose. Christmas and birthday money.  It’s big and lovely and I’ve had it for 2 days and it’s great.  At least I can distract myself with movies. That’s a bright side…

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For many people, Christmas is just a time of family, friends, celebration, gifts, joy and  blessing. For me, it’s a quiet day. Christmas eve for me was crazy. I had to work, but fortunately the snow meant I could leave at noon. I ended up having to walk to and from work, plus to and from the drivers services center all in the snow and in unshoveled sidewalks. All in all, I ended up walking 10k that day. Some readers may think that is a very long way, others may not think it’s much. For me, it’s normally not very much — I’m a runner and trained for a marathon this past year.  But I’m still sore and injured and I was in pain — it takes a lot of core strength to stumble through the snow.

After, I was cold, wet and exhausted. I was supposed to go to a friend’s place for a party and dinner, but I was so tired. I also felt in pain emotionally — lonely, weary from the past, weary from the flux and a bit angry at situations.   So I stayed home. I also felt guilty because I had no strength to walk — round trip (I had bad bus-luck) to my friend’s place. I hope her cat’s okay.

So I had a tough, tough birthday, a tough tough Christmas Eve and had little motivation to even face Christmas day. Part of me even thought “if there’s another huge dump of snow, at least I can stay home and knit”.  But the traditional Christmas day came.  I got up — finally wrapped the gifts — and straightened up my place enough so it wasn’t too embarrassing.  Then Dad came — and dug out the abominable snow car so that I could go TV shopping tomorrow — and drove me to my parent’s place.

Christmas day was a quiet day, dinner at my aunt’s place, long chats with my cousin’s daughter about Cats — and baking (she’s… er… 6? Grade one).  It was nice. Traditions were everywhere. My dad putting stockings together for my brother and myself. Family Brunch. Then it was time for the gifts and a rest before going to my aunt’s place.

More gifts and then a traditional dinner and dessert.  Now that I’m home again, I realize a few things. Many people make New Years Resolutions. Others look at their Birthday as the time of change and reflection in their lives. I get both at about the same time. This is definitely a time of thought and transition. This next year is going to be different.  I don’t know how. I don’t know what it will bring. I had an unexpected conversation that includes the presentation of a door. A door that I can choose to walk through. It could be in parallel to dreams. Dreams that are shattered. It could be in parallel to options that I could pursue — though they don’t delight me. They are in parallel to the status quo but probably not with something I’m seriously considering.

Does that make sense? Probably not. That’s okay though. It reminds me that this is now a new year. The last year is over. The year of Hell is done. The year where I would like to forget everything except a few precious memories. A dear friend called this past year the Dark Horse Year and while I didn’t realize it would apply to me, it definitely did. She’s mentioned to me that this next year would be the ‘Good Luck Year’. It may sound strange but this friend is usually right about things like this, and as this is a generally positive perspective, I will choose to accept it and believe it.

So for now, I’m going to relax, try to overcome this stress and pain I’m feeling. Forgive where forgiveness is needed, and start looking towards the future. Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll find hope and be shown mercy.

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It’s after midnight. Which means it’s now my Birthday. It’s not a major milestone birthday, but it feels significant. It’s a number I never ever thought I’d reach and still be ‘here’. But, I am ‘here’ and I can either be miserable or try to live my life to the fullest. Do those things that those who are more ‘settled’ simply can’t do — those things that if I ever get more ‘settled’ that I wont be able to do.

The thing is, I’ve been in flux for so long that the flux has gotten boring. My life has been in transition now for years. Transition to what? Every time something changes it still feels the ‘same’ — job, apartment, hobbies.  I guess because I have a certain list of things that I would like to accomplish with my life, but I haven’t been able to, so every time something changes, and it’s not one of those things (and I’m not only talking about relationships at the moment) I feel like I’m still in the same place. So what if the job is different? It just feels like there is little ‘progression’ in my life. Should I move? I’m seriously considering it right now.  A new start in a new place. The challenge of redefining myself and re-building my community. A chance to meet new people — and an added bonus is, I’ll be frank: men who aren’t infected with “Vancouver Syndrome” and will step up.

Because the reality is, my life hasn’t changed appreciably since I became an adult.  I thought I hated change, I don’t. But flux isn’t the same as change. Flux I hate.

So, as I reflect on the passing of a year and I think of where I was at last year on December 23rd, what went on through the year, where I’m at this year and where I’d like to be in 365 days, I’m asking myself those questions. What is my life like? What would I like it to be like? What can I change, that I can control?  Where do I really want to be this time next year? Different city? Redirecting my career (and all that that entails)? New hobbies — new community but still here? What are those things that, should my circumstances change and I have a family, would I look back on and say “I wish I’d done X, Y or Z, when I had the chance” (assuming there are any)? I have the chance so I want to make sure I do them.

Reminds me of writing ‘The Perfect Day’ post (which I think is protected — if you know me in the real world, you can ask me for the password). It may be time for another one about this upcoming year.

So I have a question for those of you who are in that place of having a family (and those of you who aren’t — you’re welcome to chime in too): If you, being in the place you’re in now could go back and tell a younger, in a different place in life, self, to do SOMETHING that you don’t have the chance to do now — what would it be? I’m sure we all look at the other side of the fence and think “You don’t know how good you have it” — for those looking at my side of the fence, my question is WHY???  And these questions are about you I know many of you know me in real life and have ideas of what you think I should do, which you’re welcome to share, too, of course, but I’m particularly curious to know about you and your life and how you look back and what you think.  Pass it on to others if there’s someone who may have an opinion that they’d share — I’d love feedback from others too.


(I’m serious. I’m curious about your answers and am looking forward to your comments. The comments need my approval to be posted (to prevent spam) but you’re freely able to leave them — no need to have a blog on wordpress.com to leave them.)

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The Range

Of emotions… Currently I’m at ‘anger’ — and it’s directed at more than one target. Unfortunately this isn’t the kind of situation where I can stand before the target and express it. All I can do is deal on my own. So today, I spent the entire day knitting.  I’m still feeling angry but at least the knitting kept me from snacking mindlessly. That’s a good thing.

This anger too, makes me think more strongly about the possibility of change. I have an opportunity, I need to decide if I’m going to do it.  A big part of me can’t help but think that maybe it’s time to take charge of my life and just leave. Bah.

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800-901-2932 Rant

This is only one of the numbers, I’ve also had a call from 954-351-0087 and I can’t get them to stop calling. I don’t answer, they call my cell. I answered the 954 number to say ‘take me of your list’ — the standard to get them to stop calling but they hung up before I could get the words out. And so, they keep calling.

It’s starting to get really frustrating. I would like their number to be blocked. I’m on the Canadian Do Not Call Registry, but it seems to not matter for telemarketers in the USA, and since I have a Canadian Area Code the American DNC registry doesn’t let me register.  I did file a complaint with the Canadian Do Not Call Registry and will continue to do so, and I’ve asked for follow up.

Thankfully, last night, I forgot to turn my phone off of ‘Silent’ so I didn’t get woken up on a Saturday Morning by a telemarketer.

STOP CALLING ALREADY!

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