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Archive for October, 2008

Well it’s official. I finally have a reply from the host of the Halloween Party. I always try to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  And as much as I’ve tried to prepare for the worst, it doesn’t make it any easier to take. I really no longer know who my friends are — except for a few people — and I, yet again, wonder why the hell I even bother to keep dancing. It just makes me miserable. Though I’m distant enough that I’m not involved in politics in Seattle, so I still can have fun there. Here though, apparently I’m not completely welcome.

I wont post the entire message but here is the main section, the one that’s had me messy and in tears:

Over the last little while, there have been instances where I, and I’ve found, others have felt uncomfortable around you for various reasons. Because I’ve intended for this party to go overnight, and be a safe place for people to chill, crash and linger after whatever place they’ve been before, I wanted to make sure much as I can that people would feel comfortable.

Regardless, you’re still on the list for my regular soirees and bigger blues parties — no fear!

So apparently invites of 100 people are private intimate affairs.

But I’ve realized a few things:

  1. He’s not man enough to stand up and be clear about what the issue is. I was adult enough to be direct and honest, all he did was muddy the waters and hurt people.
  2. He’s supposedly trying to ‘build the community’ but apparently only on his terms and only people he deems worthy and he’s the loser in that one.
  3. He’s passive aggressive and has no right to imply that I’ve some how done something that would compromise people’s safety and security like he did — what does he expect I’ll do? Flash people? Jump them? I might snap at someone if I don’t eat for hours on end, but good grief I also pass out when it gets like that and the one time I did that I apologized after.
  4. I took a risk being direct and honest and I don’t regret it.
  5. I am definitely re-evaluating my involvement in the local dance scene.
  6. You will not catch me willingly going to one of his events or parties.

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Grumpy

Update from yesterday’s post… The person in question has now definitely been online, commenting (about the secret party in question) and posting has happened.   But I’ve not received a reply.  I’ve run my note by a few people and even when I’m not asking for their opinion, I get ‘wow, great email’.   So I’m not concerned about the email offending. Yet, I’ve received no reply, no acknowledgment, no nothing.

I feel… I don’t know what I feel right now… Insulted? Yes. Annoyed? Yes. Slightly shunned? Yes, a little.

Sigh.

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Have you ever had that gut feeling that you’ve somehow offended someone? It’s a subtle thing, really, and it’s nothing overt.   But it’s a realization that invites that used to come my way no longer do, there’s a certain avoidance that seems to be present.

I’ve had that nagging feeling a little bit recently and haven’t been sure what’s been going on, but it seems weird and almost hard to put my finger on it.  I’ve noticed it a bit recently, I’d hear comments about things that are going on that, in the past, I’d be invited to, but not these days.   In the past, when I was particularly stressed out, I was overly sensitive to things like this. So I’d try to temper my concern with time. But right now, I’m not stressed. I’m not worried and I’m not unhappy. Yet that nagging feeling is there.

I also went through a number of stresses in the summer and was a bit of a basket case. Okay, so I felt like I was completely nuts at times.  There was that Canada Day stress, when I completely lost it due to lack of food. This person I’m thinking of, was there for that and since then has pretty much avoided me.

In my efforts to be direct, honest and clear I sent him a message. I let him know that I’d heard about Friday’s Halloween Party, and was asked by a friend tonight if I was going (who was invited). I’d discovered that I wasn’t invited (the event is ‘secret’). I outlined that I had had a stressful summer due to family crises and that if in that time I’d accidentally offended him, I was sorry.  I didn’t ask for an invite, but I did try to be honest because I don’t want to offend anyone.

I haven’t heard back yet, and I’m not sure what I’ll do for Friday night. I have another invite to join a friend and her friend’s annual party. But, I’d rather be with a bunch of my friends.  For now though I’m going to log off so that I can get some sleep, for once.

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Processing

I am sleepy and hanging out at home. Fairly relaxed and doing very little. It’s a great way to spend Sunday night after a busy weekend.  I’m still feeling sick, but at least I’m not as completely exhausted as I was before, even if I don’t have the energy to go running yet.

I feel as though I’ve got a few things to process — a few things on my mind. They aren’t bad things, necessarily, just things that are distracting me.  It feels in some ways like my life is approaching a crossroads. I’m not at the crossroads, yet, but it’s coming.  I don’t even really have any control over this, I don’t think. In some ways that makes me impatient. I don’t know what the crossroads will bring, I don’t even think I have much control over things. But the reason I am impatient is because once I know what a situation is, I can deal with it, good or bad, but the waiting is not something I find easy. I guess that’s why we all have to learn patience. Or at least I do…

So right now I’m looking at a situation that isn’t a bad one, but one I have little control over and I just need to wait to see how it all plays out. And as I try to do in most things, I am hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst.   I don’t mean to be cynical, it’s more of a practical thing — trying to make sure that I am caring for myself. As I wait for things to play out, I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing. And when I try to plan my time, I’m going to continue to choose to do what I enjoy and what will make me happy. I am going to continue to live for each day with no regrets and try to find the joy in where I’m at.

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I’m not better yet, but today was a momentous day — I made it through a full day of work! It’s great!

I’m not 100% yet, still feel a bit blech but it’s getting better.  And it’s a good thing, just in time for the weekend and a couple of nights of dancing. And one of the nights in particular will be a night of amusement and where a balancing act is required. I just wish some of my girl friends who know the whole story could be there to witness — and advise.  Because I’m being paid attention, the options are there and balancing the situation is going to be key.

How’s that for a slightly vague post? At least life is not boring… 🙂

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So dancing on the weekend wasn’t the smartest idea. It didn’t help me get better, even if I was going crazy at home.

Today I made it through work to lunchtime and came home after that. I’ve been asleep on the sofa since then.

I don’t want to be sick still. I’m done with this horrible cold.

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Have you ever wondered what kind of impression you give off? I don’t know really know how to describe what I’m thinking of — I’m not talking about those first impressions when you first meet someone. I suppose I mean more those times when your friends or family see you — what is their first question/comment:

Are you okay?

What’s going on? (Either in the Wow, something awesome seems to be going on sense, or conversely in the hmmm… something seems wrong with you sense)

Hey, how have you been, you’re looking great (not necessarily in the physical sense — more the overall picture)?

In the last few months, with what’s gone on in my life, I’ve had all of those. You’d think that the days after I ran my marathon, when I was arguably in the best shape of my life, I would have gotten the ‘Wow, you’re looking great’ comment when people saw me, but I was in the middle of a crisis, so I definitely didn’t get that comment. The comments I received at times were: “are you okay?” and the like.

In recent days, things have clicked for me. I’m hopeful that I have learned some new self-strength so that this renewed self-confidence is not due to the improvement in the area of my life that was in personal crisis earlier this year. As that improved, shortly after that things changed in my attitudes and impressions. Those lessons of self-strength haven’t been tested — yet. Not directly in the area of my life that was the stress. I’m glad for that, I could use some calm in that area of my life.

But often, I think, where we are in our lives and how we feel about ourselves is reflected outward and who responds to us is affected by this idea.  I’m not talking necessarily about our friends, the people who are real in our lives, those people are there through the good and the bad. At the moment, I’m thinking more about the people we meet, and get to know. Or who approach us. One thing I’ve realized: when I’m in a place of confidence and emotional strength I attract men. When I was a mess earlier this summer, I was mostly cocooning, emotionally speaking. As a result, I put back up this insulating emotional wall that I had up for years.  I was approached by no one. But as the stresses were dealt with, and I learned more about where my confidence lies, and started to learn: that I am strong, that I am capable, that I am good enough, and that the poorly chosen words of people can’t affect me unless I Iet them, helped those walls come down.

I remember just at the tail end of the stresses, going away for a dance weekend.  I decided, as I have in the past, to have fun. It was a conscious choice on my part. I did have a great time. I gave off an impression of attractiveness and energy. It caught the attention of people and I made some connections with new friends and got to spend time with a guy I was really attracted to.

It slowly carried on and built from there. At the end of August, I had a really rough week — there are blog posts here about that week. I did what I’m still doing: deciding what it is that I want to do to enjoy myself and my life — to live it to the fullest and I’m doing it. Often that means going to Seattle and usually without Vancouver dancers, but not always, like this weekend. This weekend I stayed here, mostly because I had (er… have…) a horrible cold and I didn’t have the energy to go all that way.

I guess I’m talking about ‘attraction’ being attractive isn’t about how you look, how you do your hair, what clothes or makeup you put on, it’s something deeper than that. And for me, there definitely seems to be a direct correlation between when I’m feeling emotionally strong and self-confident and when I’m getting approached by men.

And that’s good to know. It does bring me to a question for how do I keep going maintain this? Keep this strength and self-confidence that I have found? Part of it is doing exactly what I have been doing. Deciding what it is that I want, and what will make me happy and just doing that. If that means taking off to Seattle multiple times in a weekend, so be it. If that means a new hobby then that’s what I should do.  A personal reminder to make the choice to enjoy what I’m doing and enjoy my life.

The reality is that we all have crap that’s going on in our life. It can be small, it can be big, but I don’t think any of us can honestly say we don’t have stuff — physical, emotional or spiritual that we’re sorting and dealing with. And sometimes it can be bigger than other times. Often, yes, at the crux of a crisis we need to take time to grieve, deal, and process.  But the reality is that we can permanently mope about the crap that’s going on hoping that by some miracle we’ll all of a sudden be in a better place, or we can choose to accept where we are at, work on dealing with things but still do our best to live life to the fullest.

And that’s where I’m at. I will choose to live my life to the fullest, even if there is stuff to deal with. Because, yes, I’m in a pretty good place, but there are things I’m thinking about. I’ve got stuff I’m processing. But you know what? I’m going to enjoy every day of my life as I do that.  I’m not going sit down and mope and just do nothing while I deal, I’m going to take each day as it comes and do what I want to enjoy myself and live my life to the fullest I can. I want to accept the past, learn from it and look towards the future and the possibilities.

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