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Archive for August, 2008

We finished dinner, the jam is processed and I’ve mostly been relaxing. Though I found out that this weekend isn’t all relaxing, there will be some intensity. I didn’t want that. But I will steel myself for it, and hopefully it will be fine. Tomorrow should be fun regardless and I am looking forward to shopping. For now though, I’m off to sleep. Lots of blackberry picking and I’m tired. Not really a workout but definitely it took effort.

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It was an afternoon of picking berries. I was climbing in and throughout the bushes. Rakes were everywhere, standing on brambles. I was even threatening to get out the machete…  Except that I couldn’t find it. I was climbing in and around the bushes and generally getting all scratched up. But I made 3 batches of blackberry jam.  24 cups, I do believe I am now set for much of my Christmas giving – Strawberry, Blueberry and Blackberry. And I think I’m set for my personal jam requirements for the next, oh, few years.  It’s been a lovely afternoon of relaxing and having fun and I’m so glad I get to share it with my dear friend. I’ve missed her and I’m glad she’s back.  Tonight we are going to hang and veg – perhaps watch a movie.
And now I must go and start processing my jars of jam… Then it’ll be dinner and enjoying the evening.

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A very lazy morning: sleeping in, making pancakes, relaxing. Eventually I started to putter, and picked my first batch of blackberries. This is just what I could reach in a tank top and capris – oh and flipflops. I will change later and do a more detailed pick. It was pretty easy to get berries for the first batch of blackberry jam.  I’ll pick enough for two batches, probably.

I’m waiting for one of my closest friends she’ll be here soon, but got stuck in the border.  Then we’ll spend a relaxing Saturday afternoon in the sun. I so needed this weekend. It’ll make it easier to face reality when I go home. But slowly, as the ‘intensity’ dies down and normalcy is reached, I’ll feel less raw and sensitive, I hope.  This weekend of space and R&R will help.  Once I’m back from San Francisco I may even initiate plans with my group of dance friends. Maybe. But I don’t want to jump ahead of myself. For now space and R&R are the keys to me reaching my ‘normal’ self… I hope those friends who are more than just ‘seasonal’ friends will keep having patience with me.  I’ll be back to myself eventually.

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I’m sitting at the kitchen table of my favourite place in the world. My family’s ocean front cabin.  Due to life’s intensity of this summer, I haven’t been here since February. I’ve missed it. I walk in the front door and instantly I feel more relaxed.

I was invited out by one of my friends tonight, and I was a bit hedgy about what I was doing.  After the frustrations of earlier this week, I really needed a break and let him know that: that I wasn’t upset with him, but that I was frustrated with others and needed space, that I wanted the freedom to be away from local people.  Fortunately, he mentioned that he had no plans to go to this weekend’s Seattle Blues Party.  And it’s not that I don’t want my local friends to have fun, or to enjoy Seattle Blues, but I just need space for now from the social dynamics of the scene.  I don’t plan on dancing – at the local dances – until after my San Francisco trip.  I’ll have a great night regardless if there are 0 or 50 local dancers down for the party.  But the space is a good thing.  Hopefully it’ll help put me into a better mindset so that I can go forward.

Getting here was an adventure. After work I listened to the border wait times I decided to hold off going until later evening. I’m glad I did, the wait was only 25 min at around 8:30pm, compared with 2 hours earlier. I must get a Nexus pass.

The border guard, though, was tired and grumpy. I tried to be nice, but it seems that the same answers I’ve been giving for the last 16 years to go to the same place, annoyed him. But he let me through after 7 or 8 questions – including what I do for a living. The polar opposite to 2 weeks ago: one question, “where are you going?” to which I replied with a cute smile “Swing Dancing in Seattle”. Tonight’s border guard was not flirt-able, however.  So I got through, bought groceries and supplies for my weekend of delight and then started a movie while waiting for the ferry.

The ferry arrives and I try to start my car. The battery was dead. I don’t know what I had on that did it, but such it was. I had visions of trying to find someone to jumpstart my car. The very last car to load was going to stop, but just as they were pulling up beside me, one of the guys running the ferry came up and jumpstarted my car for me. I hope it’ll start tomorrow.

The rest of this weekend will include shopping, some blues dancing perhaps, blackberry picking and blackberry jam making.

But for now, this relaxing weekend of delight begins with me staying up much later than is good to watch a movie. So I will sleep and rest for a delightful day of picking blackberries and making blackberry jam.  Oh, and maybe running, if my knee decides to stop twinging…

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So I’m in trouble — or I will be if I’m not careful. There’s a Winner’s opening up 1 block away from work. Today was the first day. There comes the Guilty… But not… I have a very sadly depleted wardrobe, I quite literally, can’t get through a full week of work without repeating clothing.

I had poor luck finding decent tops this time, but I did find jeans, work pants, a purse and gloves. All needed, well the gloves were more of a ‘want’ than a need. And I used a $45 gift card for part of the purchase. So it’s not as bad as it seems. But still, it’s painful to be in this tension.

Ironically enough I got a call from a recruiter. At first I turned down the position, but then on lunch called him back and left a message. The position is in a similar relm to what I’m doing now, but more outside. I told him I would like to discuss it more afterall as there were colleagues coming up to my desk when we were on the phone.

I like my job. I don’t want to leave it. But the reality is that it’s compensation isn’t what it should be. So I would be doing myself a disservice if I completely blow opportunities off. So I’ll see if he calls me when I said I’d be home and able to freely ask questions.

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Building New Friendships

I met a new friend on the weekend and she got in touch and suggested we go for dinner, so three of us (including one of her long time buddies) ended up at The Naam for dinner.

A fabulous restaurant, yummy food and I’m looking forward to my leftovers for lunch tomorrow and great people to hang out with. What’s fun, they are different new people. People I can just be ‘me’ who I am right now, with my thoughts and opinions. It’s a relief in many ways and exactly how I needed to spend my evening.

So after an intense few days, I’ve learned and reflected — and will continue to do so — and then I get to have a fun relaxing weekend. Things are looking up.

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My head has felt like it’s had cotton stuffed into it for the last 2 days. I never, EVER want to have a migraine like that. In the past I’ve said the words ‘I have a migraine’, but no, those were just really bad headaches. Not to negate how bad those were, but this was 1000x worse. Nausea, dizziness, lights bugged me, the works. I can still feel it to some degree, but my head is clearing.  I don’t ever want to go through that again. Ever.

I know that part of it was stress, and the feelings of betrayal that I felt.  I know I felt raw and tender from the intensity I’ve felt this past weekend. I’m feeling less raw and tender now as I spend more time processing the situations in my life, but I’m realizing that I also need to learn how to be more assertive and set boundaries. Boundaries not to keep people out of my life but so that I can learn to have the confidence to say when those boundaries have been crossed.  It also means I need to realize and remember who is capable of what and that these differences mean different boundaries.

As much as I have been choosing to speak up more, and this has cause some backfiring, I realize that I need to keep speaking up, rather than shutting down.  So does this mean that I’ll be taking a break from the local dance scene. Sort of, yes. It means I need to surround myself closely with those people who can be part of my support system and enjoy casually dancing with those people who aren’t in a place to be able to support me. Some of those support system people are dancers, some not. But I need to be aware of different people’s limitations, and act accordingly. And perhaps out of this something new will be built, perhaps with new friends, perhaps with old but new none the less.

This weekend there will be no local dancing for me, I will spend the weekend recovering. Next weekend, I’ll decide that when the time comes, there is a blues party in Seattle, and I need to look at numbers first before I make that call. The weekend after that is already the San Francisco trip.

So, from what I can tell, it’s going to be 3-4 weeks before I dance locally anyhow so that should hopefully give me time to think and process some of this.

My head is clearing, and while relationships are constantly being redefined by this process, relationships wont stop.  I need to keep remembering last Thursday, remembering just how cherished I felt knowing that my friends came to check on me — unasked — to make sure I was okay.

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