January Musings

It has been a whirlwind January. I almost don’t know where to start. New Years was amazing. The event I went to in Portland was great. Exactly what I needed, and perhaps one of the best dance events I’ve been to.  It always seems to me that the way new years goes down somehow gives me a clue about how this year is going to go.  And certainly, after this year’s celebration, I hope it represents 2010 and how amazing this year will be.

So far, the highlights of this year include a lovely blues party in Seattle, potential changes in the wind, progressing with school (though this particular clinical placement has me working with a nurse who is a B****, and has been treating me badly — this week at least) and progression in my bedroom so that at least it will be organized and ‘pretty’.  Though, currently, my books are still in chaos and I have no dresser so my clothes are in baskets. I’m going to try to rectify this this weekend.

Anyhow, life is carrying on.  Here’s hoping Clinical is better tomorrow and that certain changes will happen, though I’m also doubtful about that. How’s that for vague?

Happy New Year!

I’ve been trying to organize my house this Christmas break and it’s helping to get me ready for the inevitable — school.  But for now I’m heading down to Portland for a couple of nights of dancing and New Years celebrations.  So, for now, I’m going to say good night and wish all friends and readers Happy New Year!

The Game

It’s one we all play at some point in our lives, some even enjoy it.  This game is the ‘dating game’.  I have realized something, yet again, tonight. I do not like the dating game.  I also realize that I have three choices: either I can date a friend or a guy I already know, remain single permanently, or play the dating game.

I don’t choose to be single, I do want a relationship.  However, I must say I detest the dating game. Tonight I had a date with a guy that I met at a night out a couple of weeks ago.  Christmas got in the way from meeting earlier.  So what was the night like?

Initially, I was hesitating on the inside because I really don’t love the dating game.  However, expanding my connections is important unless I want to stay single.  So I went, even though I wasn’t sure about his name and wasn’t entirely sure I remembered what he looked like.  I arrived at the restaurant and waited outside. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to tell who he was inside so I arrived a bit early.  As I was waiting outside, freezing, a guy alone walks by. I was sure it was him.  He glanced in my direction but he didn’t seem to recognize me.

I waited outside and watched, and he was definitely the right guy, was looking for me, and obviously couldn’t remember what I looked like. I waited and debated, but went in and walked up to him.  He realized that we were to meet, but didn’t remember my name. Ironically I wasn’t sure I remembered his name too, and I had a good excuse, I don’t know his though!  However, I was surprised by that.  Anyhow, we re-introduced ourselves and sat down.  What was my impression? I would steamroller him.  He’s friendly and full of conversation, but he didn’t really seek to find out more about me and I’m much ‘quicker’ than he is.  Plus, there’s no chemistry.  Unfortunately, in the midst of the evening we made plans to go to a movie next week. I wasn’t ready yet to say ‘no’, and was more expecting that he’d call after a few days and I could then figure out what to say. At least I’d have time.  But as it is, we have plans.  But, to be honest, I don’t really want to go.  How can I be nice and considerate of someone else yet still get out of this?

So where does that leave me? Well, in terms of people I already know, well, there’s no one I’m interested in who’s a possibility.  The distraction is mostly done — as I’ve mentioned, but not totally out of my life. Could he come back? Maybe. Could he be something other than as a distraction? Who knows. I don’t want to get my emotions entangled in that train of thought right now.

So what’s the choice? The dating scene makes me sigh. Perhaps I haven’t had a date with a guy who ‘captures my fancy’.  The potential of a friend developing into a relationship is what is really ideal for me, however, as I’ve mentioned that’s not an option.  So, for now, I’m not going to seek dates, I’m going to go when they present themselves but I’m not going to seek them out.

So, as has been the ultimate reality for me, I will stay single.  Yes guys have come and gone, yes I have not been ‘guyless’ entirely, but it has been a long time since there’s been an exclusive, progressive relationship.  And, yes, it hurts. However, it’s not worth it to me to get involved with someone who doesn’t capture me the way that I know that I can be captured.

Anyhow, so with a week left before school goes back in, I’m going to keep re-organizing my life, cleaning, preparing for school and accepting that things may continue to be solo for a while longer. At least I’ve got practice at it. Sigh.

Birthday Reflections…

It’s after midnight. December 23rd.  And like last year, I am awake and pausing to reflect on where this year has taken me.  Last year, I was dealing with things collapsing around me regarding my ex-friend, I was grieving being single at my age and facing the reality of not having kids — maybe never getting married, finding that partnership that we all seek and that person with whom I’d want to have kids.

I was pretty sad — I was in the beginning stages of what was a difficult beginning to this year.  This guy was one who I thought was a best friend, who surprised me by changing the status of our relationship. Who then didn’t follow through, lied about me to those around me, apologized, and when I’d forgiven him and reached out when I needed it most he betrayed me. Now, most of this happened at the start of the year, but it began late last year and I was in the middle of this on my birthday last year.

It was a poignant reminder that I am single and have been for a very long time.  Last year I felt like I was on the same path that I’d always been on, that nothing really had changed ever.  I felt frustrated and inhibited by my life and felt like I was making no significant contribution.  It was a very difficult birthday.

But how am I this year? I’m okay. I don’t love birthdays. I do find them difficult.  It’s another year where I’m single (as always), no prospects and facing another year with that major path the same as always hurts. I don’t like it.  But it’s a very different year.

This year my grandma passed away, I dealt with the loss of someone I thought was a friend. It was a year partly of grief. It also was a year of major decisions and life changing choices.    I ended up choosing to obtain my original birth registration and my adoption file it was a profound experience to consider ideas of identity, self, life.  I haven’t finalized this exploration or this path.  But for now, I need to set it aside. I’m not ready to open the door to a reunion, though I suspect I may have found (through the wonders of social media) my biological family.  Will I walk that path one day? Maybe.  Right now I need to concentrate on another path.

As regular readers of this blog (if any are still checking in after my long period of being AWOL!) will know, I’m in nursing school. Making the decision to go back to school was difficult.  I did not want to give up a regular paycheque and the stability of the ‘known’.  But I felt trapped, useless. I was in a job that I was trained to do, but couldn’t see any growth potential. I have things that excite me but nothing in the job that would directly take me to a place where I wanted to go.  Plus, with the instability in biotech I felt like I was trapped in a low paying job with no recourse to building anything better.

So I took the leap and decided to go back to school — nursing school.  So, now, I’m back in an undergraduate program, have little work and no money.  But, I have peace. I know that I’m doing something radical, yet it’s necessary.  It will bring me to a place that will let me make a difference in people’s lives. It may be on a small, individual, scale and being able to affect people’s lives is what matters to me. It’s why I went into research — to make a difference, yet now I have a chance to do it directly.  It’s a major change to my world, but it’s one that’s finally ‘right’.

I spent the early part of the year trying to run and dance as much as I can, though in recent days that’s tapered off.  I’m going to go to Portland for a dance weekend over New Years, and it’s possible that this will be a tapering off of my dancing for the time being.  I LOVE dancing when I’m in other cities, but don’t always love it here.  So I’m trying to plan my time carefully. With so little free time the question becomes ‘how do I want to spend it?’ As one friend has commented — the live music is often better — with those with whom we most enjoy dancing.  So, if I can manage the time, I’m going to try that — I want to make sure that I’m going to have fun in my free time as much as I can and if I can focus on the venues that are open and fun.

And running.  Running is something that’s kept me sane this year. I ran a second marathon. One that stressed me out much less than the first one — I was too busy stressing over school! But, I did it! My second marathon. My life in the fall was intense — I trained for a marathon, worked ~10 hours/week, and was a full time nursing student (in an accelerated program).

So, although my ‘big issue’ — that of relationship and family — hasn’t changed. I can easily say, I’m not the same person I was this time last year. I’m not thrilled about my birthday, but I’m at peace. I’ve made changes that will lead to better things, better days in a mere 16 months.

So I wonder, where will I be this time next year? Will I still be single or will that path take a turn too? This time next year I will have finished most of my courses and will be facing only one more term — my clinical major and my practicum.  I will have started to work as an employed student nurse and will hopefully have clearer steps about what will happen after my program is done (will I leave Vancouver as I hope, or will I decide to stay? What area of practice will I choose?).

This year has been profound, full of transitions. Some transitions I hope continue and I hope for a year of more joyful times in my life. For now, I’m going to stop, enjoy my birthday, finish preparing for Christmas (one more gift to buy and I’ve been sick so need to brave the stores on my birthday… ugh!), and will work on a post of some thoughts and goals about 2010.

Seattle Marathon 2009

Considering how much I have on, it’s a wonder I kept running. I didn’t train enough but I did the Seattle Marathon today.  I had a great day all things considered. I knew the toughest part of the course so I didn’t hit the wall, and I didn’t fall and hurt myself (as I did when I ran in Seattle 3 weeks ago). The course is very hilly, takes you through tunnels and bridges, parks and the city.  But it was great overall.

 

The weekend was spent in Seattle with my running group; there were 8 of us all together. It was my first time staying in a hotel in Seattle, and it was a lovely experience — as much as I love hanging with my friends it was nice to be with the running group.  And the hotel was close to the start line.

 

Anyhow this is probably my last post until Finals are done but I had to briefly comment that MARATHON #2 IS DONE! No PB but given I hardly could train while in school, I’m pretty happy with 4:48:29. My During-Nursing-School-PB. Let’s see if I can beat it next year (or, heh, my overall PB if I can find a few more hours in my week!).

Individual Chocolate Cake

Okay, so, I’m supposed to be working on a paper, packing for Seattle and cleaning my house. Not to mention Sleeping. BUT I had to share. I was craving chocolate tonight and have none in the house. NONE. Well, except for cocoa powder.

I was desperate so I looked on the internet to see if there were any recipes for tiny chocolate cakes. There are. Many. But, all of them call for lots of oil. And since I want to indulge but not be crazy I decided to try modifying the cake.

And let me tell you, it was delightful! I even took photos, which I’ll add a little later. Here’s what I did.

Individual Chocolate Cake:

4 TBSP Flour
4 TBSP Sugar
2 TBSP Cocoa (I’d increase this the next time to 3)
1 Egg
3 TBSP Water (You can also use milk soy or rice milk – I used water as I don’t drink Milk and I’m out of soy)
3 TBSP Applesauce
1 tsp Vanilla
2 TBSP Chocolate Chips

Mix the dry ingredients together well. Add the water, egg, applesauce and vanilla. Mix well. Pour into a mug (I mixed it in a mug, but would use a measuring cup next time and transfer it I think). Microwave on high for 3 minutes.

Let it cool a bit. Enjoy!!

It was wonderful. The applesauce I used was homemade with lots of cinnamon in it, so next time I’ll use plainer applesauce and increase the cocoa powder. But, it was intense, rich and very yummy.

This may become a dangerous exam-time habit.

The final push

I can’t write a long post, though there are many things I’m considering, many things I’d like to write. What I NEED to be doing right now is writing a major final paper for one of my courses and it’s a struggle. I’ve chosen to write on Depression — a complex health issue, but one that impacts so many of us personally, and one that I guarantee we’ll see in practice once we’re done, whether or not we’re working in mental health.

 

But I have to get through it. I will get through it. Next weekend I am running the Seattle Marathon, which means there is added pressure to get this stupid thing done before then — at least drafted so that i can just edit edit edit. I even have a concept map done.  Yet still, I have writer’s block.

 

But I also have 2 finals that I need to study for, and a presentation. I’m a little busy, at least until Dec 10th.

 

Anyone have any novel tips for getting over a case of writer’s block?

A stolen weekend…

All that has gone on in my life since September has been intensity and stress. Good stress, but stress none-the-less.  This weekend I stole my weekend, and life back and it was wonderful.

Friday began very very early, with work, and then it was home to pack and get ready for my weekend. But first, a surprising phone call where it seems that the distraction may not be as gone as I thought.  No major changes but not disappearing as I first thought.  That’s fine and I am going to take him at his word — that he has been really busy.  I didn’t specifically state that I was assuming that ‘he’s just not that into me’ because that seemed to show a lack of self-confidence etc.  That being said, my guard is back up and I am still going to move forward with my own plans and as for the future? Who knows.  I am going to take all that one day at a time.  For now, I’m happy I was honest about certain things in the conversation (without flipping out) and we’ll see what the future brings. Or doesn’t.

After that conversation, I did the mad scramble (and didn’t forget a thing!) to get out the door and head to Seattle for this year’s Emerald City Blues Festival.  We made it to the dance in record time (not stopping) and it was an amazing night! Both nights of dancing, in fact, were fantastic. The energy is amazing, there were people from all over ready and excited about dancing. What’s an even better treat is the number that are excited about dancing with ME! I love dancing in Seattle or other cities because for the most part the people there don’t have the lazy arrogant attitude that dancers here have — I can easily ask people to dance, but so do the leads. I know they want to dance with me, I know they’re excited to see me and dance with me.  It was WONDERFUL! At one point I could see a lead I know walking up to me to dance with me, and a second lead got between us to ask me to dance.  At this one moment I had two leads  both with outstretched arms trying to dance with me.  A much needed ego boost! I made sure to do the polite thing and I danced with the guy who got in between my friend and I. The reason? I didn’t know him. I made sure to find my friend ASAP too.

The second night was more of the same. I felt beautiful.  I even wore a new dress I’d not yet had the guts to wear, and I looked great!  There were many amazing dances and I’ve developed a new dance crush. I love those, those mutual connections with someone that lead to amazing dances. I don’t know how many times we danced but it was a lot.

This year I didn’t do the classes. I’d wanted to, but was hesitating after the gong show classes at ABP earlier this year (those classes were a  big mistake, even if the event was great!). To be honest, given how disenchanted I’ve been with dancing in Vancouver and how stressed school’s had me, the fact that I had a relaxing weekend and dances that gave me the excited spark back, means I made the right choices.

So what did I do with my free daytime? I ran. And ran. And ran. It was my longest solo training run — I’ve always had a running community around to run with. But not this time. I did manage to get part of the marathon route done (I’m running the Seattle Marathon at the end of the month). It went well, and was a good run, except that I fell. Yup, banged up knee and twisted my ankle and everything. I need to replace my running tights, now.   Fortunately it was only a mild ankle twist, and with a bit of care I was able to dance.  So for runners out there: Seattle has horrible sidewalks for the most part (99.9% of the run I had my head down watching for dangerous spots. The 0.1% was when I was looking at a garbage can and throwing something away — I missed the hole that was there), so take care while running. Otherwise it was a great city and a great run. The runners I met while I was out remind me of what I love about Vancouver running and showed me that I could find a community like the one I have here should I decide to leave Vancouver once school’s done.

Sunday was a day for sleeping and doing some studying. Not nearly enough, and I know I’ll spend my Nov 11th catching up, but I needed the break. I feel relaxed and refreshed and ready to face whatever this next week has for me. For now though, it’s time I sleep so that I can face work, then home for a bit, then clinical until late late late.

Attempt at Vulnerability…

It’s taken me a while to write this post as I’ve been dealing with school, my first clinical placement, projects, homework, essays, working part time and training for a marathon (as much as I can train).  Fortunately, the busy-ness means I have an outlet of distraction as I deal with the other more emotional sides of things.

I’ve briefly alluded to the distraction being done, and that’s been a bit difficult to deal with. I can’t really explain why, because I don’t know, other than to quote the title of a book that I detest (mostly because it’s harsh, doesn’t provide a solution, and it’s true) “He [was] just not that into me”.   He’s pretty much disappeared and I’ve been going through all sorts of emotions — frustration, sadness, anger, denial, acceptance.  The classics.  I’m getting to the point of acceptance more continuously. Perhaps if he ever calls me, I’ll be pleasant on the phone and be able to converse at a neutral level. I’ll think about that at the time, if it ever occurs.

For some self-reflection, I did get more emotionally involved than I would have liked. That scared me.  I’ve been realizing more and more lately that part of the reason I am where I am in my life is that I’m hesitant to trust, to open up. I don’t know how to bring up those tough conversations when it’s easy.  In some ways I’m again behind a wall I’ve been trying to get rid of — but it isn’t totally gone.  I’ve been thinking a lot about why do I find it so hard to open up when I’m in a non-platonic relationship? And I think it has to do with vulnerability.  Particularly in recent years, I’ve been wounded a lot when I’ve tried being vulnerable, particularly with family members.  That’s made me shut myself off and I don’t like opening up those difficult conversations. If they happen and I don’t have to be intentional about opening it, that’s fine.  But when I have to open myself up, be vulnerable, it scares me.  And when I’m stressed (as I am — see the opening of this post!), it’s even harder.

But what it means is I need to learn some tools, how to open myself up when it’s not scary, how to make it safe for me to open up, because hiding behind an emotional wall is not what I want!  So for now, I’m just going to carry on, thankful that I’m not on a rollercoaster of emotions and finish this term with strength (1 month to go until the term ends, exams and I get a BREAK! WEEE!!) and try to come up with ways that I can be more vulnerable before it gets to a point that scares me and develop tools that I can use so that I can achieve what I want in all areas of my life, not just my career.

For now though, I’m going to sleep hopeful that I’m not coming down with something. THAT would be terrible timing.

Exhausted and Busy

I’m resurfacing briefly to let you all know (those who are still reading… ) that I am still wanting to blog, have even started some posts. But things are pretty crazy. Plus, for school I’ve got reflective journals to do so I feel like I’m doing what I’d normally do here somewhere else for grades. Unfortunately I can’t crosspost due to the risk of being told I’m plagiarizing myself (yes, that’s possible!).

 

For example, I had a paper due today and I ended up writing all about the adoption topic I’ve discussed here. Maybe once this course is over I can re-work the paper and post it, assuming I do okay on it. I assume once the course is done it’s fine?? Not sure.

 

The rest of my life is more or less on hold:

• The distraction I’ve commented on in the past is most likely done and no longer a distraction (or shouldn’t be). I may be wrong, hope I’m wrong in fact, but such is how it seems. I’m fine. Dealt with it when I couldn’t figure out how to post what I was working through but wanted to write about it.
• Still annoyed at finances — is there any bank who will treat a client properly as a student to build a long term relationship? Both banks I’ve dealt with have treated me like dirt. Yet I have no choice. I’ll stick with them for now because I have to, not because I want to support them.
• School is going okay. Grades are fine  so far. I can’t complain, even if it’s not the ‘perfect’ that I expect of myself. Heh. I’ll get over that.

 

Anyhow, I’m still here, I’ll try to post shorter or longer posts as I can.  For now, Clinical Week 1 is done, I’ve got 5 more weeks of school this term, finals and then a break! I was so tired that tonight I slept the entire evening. I managed to cook dinner, do dishes and nap. I did nothing.  Tomorrow night I’ll get some work done, catch up on the weekend and hit the ground running next week with another paper due. Oy.