A stolen weekend…

All that has gone on in my life since September has been intensity and stress. Good stress, but stress none-the-less.  This weekend I stole my weekend, and life back and it was wonderful.

Friday began very very early, with work, and then it was home to pack and get ready for my weekend. But first, a surprising phone call where it seems that the distraction may not be as gone as I thought.  No major changes but not disappearing as I first thought.  That’s fine and I am going to take him at his word — that he has been really busy.  I didn’t specifically state that I was assuming that ‘he’s just not that into me’ because that seemed to show a lack of self-confidence etc.  That being said, my guard is back up and I am still going to move forward with my own plans and as for the future? Who knows.  I am going to take all that one day at a time.  For now, I’m happy I was honest about certain things in the conversation (without flipping out) and we’ll see what the future brings. Or doesn’t.

After that conversation, I did the mad scramble (and didn’t forget a thing!) to get out the door and head to Seattle for this year’s Emerald City Blues Festival.  We made it to the dance in record time (not stopping) and it was an amazing night! Both nights of dancing, in fact, were fantastic. The energy is amazing, there were people from all over ready and excited about dancing. What’s an even better treat is the number that are excited about dancing with ME! I love dancing in Seattle or other cities because for the most part the people there don’t have the lazy arrogant attitude that dancers here have — I can easily ask people to dance, but so do the leads. I know they want to dance with me, I know they’re excited to see me and dance with me.  It was WONDERFUL! At one point I could see a lead I know walking up to me to dance with me, and a second lead got between us to ask me to dance.  At this one moment I had two leads  both with outstretched arms trying to dance with me.  A much needed ego boost! I made sure to do the polite thing and I danced with the guy who got in between my friend and I. The reason? I didn’t know him. I made sure to find my friend ASAP too.

The second night was more of the same. I felt beautiful.  I even wore a new dress I’d not yet had the guts to wear, and I looked great!  There were many amazing dances and I’ve developed a new dance crush. I love those, those mutual connections with someone that lead to amazing dances. I don’t know how many times we danced but it was a lot.

This year I didn’t do the classes. I’d wanted to, but was hesitating after the gong show classes at ABP earlier this year (those classes were a  big mistake, even if the event was great!). To be honest, given how disenchanted I’ve been with dancing in Vancouver and how stressed school’s had me, the fact that I had a relaxing weekend and dances that gave me the excited spark back, means I made the right choices.

So what did I do with my free daytime? I ran. And ran. And ran. It was my longest solo training run — I’ve always had a running community around to run with. But not this time. I did manage to get part of the marathon route done (I’m running the Seattle Marathon at the end of the month). It went well, and was a good run, except that I fell. Yup, banged up knee and twisted my ankle and everything. I need to replace my running tights, now.   Fortunately it was only a mild ankle twist, and with a bit of care I was able to dance.  So for runners out there: Seattle has horrible sidewalks for the most part (99.9% of the run I had my head down watching for dangerous spots. The 0.1% was when I was looking at a garbage can and throwing something away — I missed the hole that was there), so take care while running. Otherwise it was a great city and a great run. The runners I met while I was out remind me of what I love about Vancouver running and showed me that I could find a community like the one I have here should I decide to leave Vancouver once school’s done.

Sunday was a day for sleeping and doing some studying. Not nearly enough, and I know I’ll spend my Nov 11th catching up, but I needed the break. I feel relaxed and refreshed and ready to face whatever this next week has for me. For now though, it’s time I sleep so that I can face work, then home for a bit, then clinical until late late late.

Attempt at Vulnerability…

It’s taken me a while to write this post as I’ve been dealing with school, my first clinical placement, projects, homework, essays, working part time and training for a marathon (as much as I can train).  Fortunately, the busy-ness means I have an outlet of distraction as I deal with the other more emotional sides of things.

I’ve briefly alluded to the distraction being done, and that’s been a bit difficult to deal with. I can’t really explain why, because I don’t know, other than to quote the title of a book that I detest (mostly because it’s harsh, doesn’t provide a solution, and it’s true) “He [was] just not that into me”.   He’s pretty much disappeared and I’ve been going through all sorts of emotions — frustration, sadness, anger, denial, acceptance.  The classics.  I’m getting to the point of acceptance more continuously. Perhaps if he ever calls me, I’ll be pleasant on the phone and be able to converse at a neutral level. I’ll think about that at the time, if it ever occurs.

For some self-reflection, I did get more emotionally involved than I would have liked at this stage of things given the distance between us. That scared me.  I’ve been realizing more and more lately that part of the reason I am where I am in my life is that I’m unwilling to trust, to open up. I don’t know how to bring up those tough conversations when it’s easy.  In some ways I’m again behind a wall I’ve been trying to get rid of — but it isn’t totally gone.  I’ve been thinking a lot about why do I find it so hard to open up when I’m in a non-platonic relationship? And I think it has to do with vulnerability.  Particularly in recent years, I’ve been wounded a lot when I’ve tried being vulnerable, particularly with family members.  That’s made me shut myself off and I don’t like opening up those difficult conversations. If they happen and I don’t have to be intentional about opening it, that’s fine.  But when I have to open myself up, be vulnerable, it scares me.  And when I’m stressed (as I am — see the opening of this post!), it’s even harder.

But what it means is I need to learn some tools, how to open myself up when it’s not scary, how to make it safe for me to open up, because hiding behind an emotional wall is not what I want!  So for now, I’m just going to carry on, thankful that I’m not on a rollercoaster of emotions and finish this term with strength (1 month to go until the term ends, exams and I get a BREAK! WEEE!!) and try to come up with ways that I can be more vulnerable before it gets to a point that scares me and develop tools that I can use so that I can achieve what I want in all areas of my life, not just my career.

For now though, I’m going to sleep hopeful that I’m not coming down with something. THAT would be terrible timing.

Exhausted and Busy

I’m resurfacing briefly to let you all know (those who are still reading… ) that I am still wanting to blog, have even started some posts. But things are pretty crazy. Plus, for school I’ve got reflective journals to do so I feel like I’m doing what I’d normally do here somewhere else for grades. Unfortunately I can’t crosspost due to the risk of being told I’m plagiarizing myself (yes, that’s possible!).

 

For example, I had a paper due today and I ended up writing all about the adoption topic I’ve discussed here. Maybe once this course is over I can re-work the paper and post it, assuming I do okay on it. I assume once the course is done it’s fine?? Not sure.

 

The rest of my life is more or less on hold:

• The distraction I’ve commented on in the past is most likely done and no longer a distraction (or shouldn’t be). I may be wrong, hope I’m wrong in fact, but such is how it seems. I’m fine. Dealt with it when I couldn’t figure out how to post what I was working through but wanted to write about it.
• Still annoyed at finances — is there any bank who will treat a client properly as a student to build a long term relationship? Both banks I’ve dealt with have treated me like dirt. Yet I have no choice. I’ll stick with them for now because I have to, not because I want to support them.
• School is going okay. Grades are fine  so far. I can’t complain, even if it’s not the ‘perfect’ that I expect of myself. Heh. I’ll get over that.

 

Anyhow, I’m still here, I’ll try to post shorter or longer posts as I can.  For now, Clinical Week 1 is done, I’ve got 5 more weeks of school this term, finals and then a break! I was so tired that tonight I slept the entire evening. I managed to cook dinner, do dishes and nap. I did nothing.  Tomorrow night I’ll get some work done, catch up on the weekend and hit the ground running next week with another paper due. Oy.

Getting the words out…

I’ve got something on my mind. I really want to blog about it. I’m thinking about it a lot and I know what I want to write about. It’s all about communication. BUT, I can’t get the words out, they’re there — I’ve got two drafts saved that I’m trying to work on — but I can’t get them out. Soon I hope.

School School School…

I’ve spent the last little while studying, working to get ready for a final, lab exam, midterms.  I think the exams went fine, but I don’t have the results back yet. It’s made me tense, but enjoying school and it’s made me a bit more sensitive than usual.  So as a result I’m thinking and processing stuff in my personal life too. I’m not sure I’m ready to write about it but I’m still here. 18.5 months to go…

For now though, the nightmares are gone (attempting, badly, to communicate at least is a good thing), so I’m going to sleep.

Intensity

I have had an intense week. It’s late, I should be asleep but I also know that when I wake up in the morning final exam prep begins in greater ernest than before. This week I had a reflective journal entry due, a debate to do (and let me tell you I could post on group dynamics etc but I may save that for later– right now I’m thinking of different things), and this is the week where we’ve dealt a lot with communication techniques, theories, and discussions such as grief and loss.

We watched part of a movie called “Wit” and it’s certainly not one that’s easy to watch, and it certainly opened my eyes to both good and bad healthcare practice. Also, watching this woman die of a very aggressive form of cervical cancer was heart breaking, and stirred so many emotions. It’s definitely a movie I want to watch all the way through — when I have time. It’s not an easy movie but one that I think is important to watch.

The other topic that impacted me was ‘grief and loss’.  We all know that entering nursing school means we will face grief, loss, death. In fact, in many ways I’m grieving the past freedom I had in my career. Now my time is school work, exercise and more school work. Oh and work too.    But beyond that, we dealt with grief in the context of our own lives.   It brought back the grief of my grandma passing away — which is natural as it’s only been 6 months (though it feels like an instant) and in many ways I’m still grieving her loss — as one could expect.   And, more surprisingly, I was reminded of the grief I felt for my other grandma’s loss — many years ago.  Her loss was long ago so it was not immediately intense, but that process of grieving was long, painful and one that I’ll never forget.  But the truth is, it’s important to address these things now, at school, so that we can be prepared as we enter the clinical setting where we will face death. I’m glad we spoke. Everyone had stories, experiences that gave them much wisdom and the environment was safe.

But it does mean that this week was intense , very intense.  It’s made my emotions a bit of a basket case this evening.  I have certain things I’d like to explore and experience. Sometimes, in my current situation I wonder if that will happen and I feel sad, confused, uncertain.  In the normal day to day, I don’t feel sad, confused or uncertain (at least most of the time), but right now I do. It’s just a response to the intensity of this week. I know this (oh and excuse the vagueness — public blog and all that).  This comes to the forefront of my mind right now because of a conversation I had with a friend of mine this evening.   The things I’d like to experience? She’s having that chance right now.  In fact, it seems that most of my friends are.  I’m so happy for them, 100%.  But for the moment, I need to be selfish and say that I wish my current situation was slightly different. Reality is though, my current situation is probably for the best, but I can still wish, can’t I?

The intensity will continue next week, though my hope is that there will be no more grieving.  That being said, my final exam for this course is on Friday. So yes, this will likely be my last post until that exam is done.  Whatever else, Nursing School is a profound experience.

EI Frustrations

Ahem. Please excuse me while I have a brief rant.  I’ve had a distraction this weekend. Unfortunately it’s not a pleasant one — not ‘the distraction’ I’ve mentioned in passing on this blog (unfortunately).  Last week I mentioned that I was being audited. From 2004-2006 I was working for a Clinical Diagnostics company — this is a company that provided diagnostic products to clinical labs.  It closed it’s office in my city in late 2006 and laid us all off.  For the better part of 2007 I was on EI (employment insurance) as a result of this lay off.

I didn’t feel right about just sitting at home and job hunting.  I’ve always had an independent spirit and a strong work ethic (when I’m dating a guy it even feels weird to have him pay for me all the time — I like it, but it’s still a weird feeling). Also, I was concerned about gaps in my resume. The other thing that bothered me was self-identifying with being ‘unemployed’ — to me that’s a significant statement to make and a VERY difficult one (as an aside, it also played a role in choosing to attend nursing school — it’s not the primary reason but it was certainly one factor).  So, when I had the chance to start teaching ESL I jumped on it. This particular position was not one that paid enough for me to even stop being on EI (though many weeks I received very little), nor was it one that met my career objectives, though it did mean that I could state that I was an ESL Teacher (rather than an unemployed scientist). So, I worked for the ESL School part time and continued to look for a career-related position (and found one eventually — the one I’m now working at a few hours each week while I go to Nursing School).

So what’s going on now? The method of reporting is so confusing that there is a huge complication between my records, my pay statements and what the EI people have on record, so I’m being audited and I’ve already spent about 6 hours on this audit this weekend alone, trying to figure out what was going on back then!!!

So why is this a rant and why am I frustrated:

• I don’t have time to be dealing with this mess right now, I’m in a very intense program and my schedule is completely BONKERS. Even without this, my stress is high, and will remain high until the Christmas Break.
• For the next 20 months I’m in school, hardly making anything, and if I can’t explain records from almost 3 years ago I’ll have to pay the EI people back. BUT I have no money so I will be paying the EI people with my Student Loans or a Bursary — if I win one. I suspect they wont defer the payments that long, nor would I want them to, this whole thing is VERY annoying.
• As I mentioned, I have a strong work ethic an an independent spirit. What this means is I find handouts VERY difficult to accept.  So it bothered me that I was on EI, so I chose to work. Yet, had I not chosen to work, I would have received roughly the same amount of money per week (~$90 less per week since we could work a tiny bit without losing money that EI gave), but I would not be dealing with this stress now. So had I not chosen to work, the EI people would have paid me more than they actually did, as I would have used the maximum benefit available to me.

Why are they auditing me NOW after so long?? Why not while the EI benefit is being paid out? Why not as soon as the benefits are exhausted so that the records are fresh and so that the company still exists so that their records are more complete?!?! (It’s a very good thing I’ve kept in touch with my old boss — though she doesn’t have much information, it’s better than nothing)

So this begs the question and the rant: I understand wanting to make sure that people don’t defraud the system, but REALLY??? Could there be some published evidence that the EI people are auditing those that don’t work at all so that they can be sure that they were actually job hunting as they were supposed to be, rather than enjoying some time off?  That I’d like to see.

Grumble.  Okay, the rant is done and now it’s time for me to get ready for school and work tomorrow, so that at least I get a little bit of sleep.

Balance, Stress and Getting Everything Done

How does one do it? Keep on top of everything? How does one learn (and memorize) efficiently when there is little time in which to do so, and the exam is only 2 weeks away??? And for those who think I’ve procrastinated, I haven’t. The course itself is only 4 weeks long.

Seriously, tips are welcome.

Every time I turn around, another thing gets added onto my to do list. Today’s been especially bad and I don’t know how I’m going to get it all done.   I’m definitely stressed, but fortunately I’m not stressing over everything like I was last week, now it’s specific to what’s really stressing me out. Yet I haven’t wondered why I’m putting myself through this. I know why. Being in my clinical placement again today confirms that. It’s what I need to do, and where I need to go in my career.  And where it will lead is limitless.

Yet for now, I have: a debate to be ready for, a nursing medication math exam to pass with 100%, a reflective portfolio to post (I’m keeping blogs that I’ll summarize for that project — but I can’t post the actual project, but I’ll post the blogs once this course is finished), a pain management seminar to prepare for, and an exam to write.  This doesn’t include the EI Audit stupidity that I just learned about (dating back to 3 years ago when I was on EI after I was laid off), getting my passport renewed, sorting out finances and determining if I will have enough money to get through the next 12 months, let alone the program, and all the life things I should do.

The one thing I’ve promised myself is I’ll keep running so that my stress doesn’t go through the roof.

Any nurses reading this blog who can give tips on getting through an accelerated program such as mine?

The Stressful Side of This Transition

Stress is going to be a theme for the next 20 months as I go through my Nursing School Program.  I realize that, and am prepared for that.  Some tools I have for managing my stress are:

• This blog — blogging for me is a place to reflect on my life, my experiences and to process what’s going on in my world.  It’s a tool I’ve been using, it’s a place that I hope provides my readers with stories and insights into my world. A place that I hope provides others food for thought as they too seek to live their lives well.

• Exercise — exercise is a key stress management tool for me.  It’s helpful that I know that when I’m working out regularly I’m generally healthier, better able to function in my stress.  But, the challenge I have is balancing everything. In past degrees I’ve fallen victim to the panic that if I’m not studying every second I’m going to do poorly.  This degree I’m NOT going to let that happen because I do not want to gain the ‘Freshman 15’.  So what tool am I using to make sure that I don’t fall off the running wagon (at the very least)? Train for races. I’ve been training for a marathon with the specific intent to keep running goals as a priority.

• Friends — I have some friends on campus — close long time friends — so getting together with them for lunch occasionally really helps. Also another friend is a nurse and is also in school again so she’s a great resource and it is great to have her ‘in the trenches’ with me.

So what are some stresses that are coming up for me now? There’s nothing particularly that is causing me acute stress right now, but there are many little things that I’m sorting out and such.  So there are things that causing me the beginnings of stress and I’m working through them right now and I don’t yet have all the solutions to the concerns

• Financial — I have a bit of a student loan but got no where near sufficient money to cover costs of living etc. I’m still working at my job, and am trying to stay, BUT, it wont cover living costs even remotely.  So I’m going to work on this a bit more this weekend so that I can at least have a plan in place.  I am trying not to stress about generating debt because I know that the current canadian pay rates for nurses — even if I’m at the lowest level and don’t work any overtime — means I will be okay once I’m done (assuming the fraser health authority restructuring doesn’t spread).  But, given my ‘hate debt’ sensibilities, it’s tough. Given my life dreams. It’s tough.  It’s also easy for me to fall into the pressure of not having a life to save money, but I don’t want to regret this time, I don’t want to hate my time in nursing school — I want happiness and amazing memories. Both in school and out.  So I will travel, visit those I want to visit (like going back to New Mexico), and enjoy my life to the best of my ability.

• School — I haven’t yet figured out the tools I need to keep up with the work and to really learn the work.  I have to learn them quickly because my first final is on October 9th.  Yes, OCTOBER 9th.  So this means that keeping my job is stressful (yet not keeping my job is also stressful) because it’s a lot of hours that I could read (that being said, I took tonight off — was wiped out) and study.  How to balance everything is a learning process in itself, and it will come. The one benefit is that at least the material isn’t difficult, there’s just a lot of material to learn.

• Personal life — the stresses in my personal life relating to family — that led to much reflection, counseling and processing last year are still on going. They’re under control because I have boundaries in place to protect myself.  One thing we’ve been talking about in school is connection and support networks.  This is an area of stress because I sometimes wonder if I have a good support network.  The challenges I’ve faced this past year or so have meant that I’m careful about who I lean on very much for support.  And as time goes on I really will need the support so I need to work on trusting those who could give me support, and not putting on a mask of ‘everything’s okay’ just because other people have betrayed my trust in the past.

• Relationships — this both amuses me (as I watch the young girls in the program flirt with the few young single guys in the program) and makes me sad.  I guess this is somewhat connection with my personal life comments above — a lot of students in the program who are my age are married, often with kids. I’m comfortable in my situation because they all have to balance much more complex lives than I do.  But, the type of support that they have available is something I miss.  But, I need to relax on this and not start stressing because, really, I’ve been accepting that there are few men in this city who capture my interest (now if we talk about outside this city, that’s different — but that’s a different topic). Also, if there were someone here with me I would need to split my time more.  So I’m okay with where I’m at, on the whole, but due to ‘distractions’ in my life there are certain things that have the potential of stressing me out.

BUT all these things (except financial — that is more of a present concern) are things that have the potential to stress me out if I’m not careful.  So I’m trying not to let myself focus on them and instead I’m trying to do what I need to on any given day — such as this week I’m tired at the end of it, so I took the evening off last night and did nothing productive.

The rest of this weekend will be cleaning, planning (to reduce some of the stress I’m facing), and studying.  I’ll try the ‘timer method’ to attempt to get everything done. And now, since I’ve done little this weekend so far (except call a couple of banks, cell phone company etc — all important too) it’s time to start reading for next week.

First Impressions of Nursing School

It’s almost 2 weeks into my new program. This transition to a new stage of my life comes with many emotions, impressions, changes and choices.  I’m going to skip my New Mexico stories for the moment to take a few minutes to settle my brain down about these changes.  For those just joining me on this blog-journey, I am a scientist who has spent the last ten years of my life doing research, sales, tech support, and training in the academic, biotech and clinical diagnostics sector(s). After much reflection and self-evaluation I have made a transition, back to school for degree number three and I have entered nursing school.

My program is an integrated intensive 20 month program and we are the first class to go through the program after extensive changes.  I’m pretty excited about the program, and we are well supported by instructors who are passionate about having us develop into well trained nurses.

My classmates and I are a diverse group and range in age from 21-47, with a variety of experiences and backgrounds.  Most of the first week of school was spent learning about how the program works and interacting with the other students. I think we all are in the same boat in terms of thoughts, feelings and fears and I am curious to see who will end up being those key friends who will continue beyond school and become ‘real life’ friends.  I’m sure after 20 months the connections I make here will prove to be invaluable.

Classes — I’ve only had a week’s worth of classes so far, but with one course completing after 4 weeks I’m already thinking about how to review for the final exam.  I’m not sure how to do that yet but I’m sure that as the weeks roll along we’ll figure it out.  The one thing that is very true is that it may not be difficult work, but it’s a huge volume of work. HUGE.  Also, it’s a different type of work than I’ve done a lot in the past — much of the work revolves around emotions feelings and communication. This plays as much of a role in our jobs as the practical and scientific knowledge.  But for me, who’s spent much of my education and career focusing on the technical — whether it’s scientific or one of my non-sciencey electives — my education has never examined the feelings and emotions behind situations. My education has never examined my feelings and emotions.  Not directly anyways.

This different type of learning it’s challenging. Not the basic pharmacology, and when they do the immunology lectures I’m trying to turn my brain off since I keep wanting to correct and expand on what the instructor says. These lectures are just fine. But the different style of learning, looking at the philosophies behind the theories of practice this is the area that’s newer for me.  But, fortunately, I think the evaluation for that course will be fine, it’s just very new.

That’s what this all is right now — new. I’m getting to know people, making friends, and trying to find a routine in the midst of the insanity.  Because really it’s a high volume of work and that’s the main thing.

Clinical — I had my first clinical placement yesterday. It’s a practice session shadowing a leader in a nursing field.  My particular leader is in hospital administration and she has a varied background. My session was very introductory, and it included an important meeting at the hospital. But I loved it. It may sound crazy — I didn’t see a single patient in a professional capacity but it made me realize this career choice is right for me:

• there’s diversity — I can do so many different things, including connecting my new career with my past in biotechnology, science and most certainly clinical diagnostics (let me tell you, one of my texts — it would have been useful to own 5 years ago when I worked for that clinical diagnostic products company)
• I can affect change in a way that will have a direct impact on people’s lives
• My satisfaction can come from where it matters to me — impacting people

All in all this is hectic, crazy and I’m stressed about things to a certain degree (lack of money, but also not enough time to study, balance, personal life worries, etc etc) but really as people keep telling me — I sound more at peace with where I’m at. This isn’t going to be easy but I’m in the right spot and I’ve chosen the right field.

And since my brain shut down ages ago I’m giving up on  reading and going to bed.